Ev's Collective Thoughts Vol. 4

2006-02-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

That's right..I'm back...and I have blogged!

I know I haven't posted in forever...but that's because I've been posting elsewhere hehehehe. http://www.myspace.com/evman666 Check me out yo. Nice to see..someone out there still comes here...

2005-12-29T17:09:00.000-07:00

WOW! I have a friggin blog! OMG I forgot about this place...um...I guess...I uh...should update...aye?

Well...nothing much to report...life is great...work isn't bad...and love is in the air...mmmm...sweet sweet lovin...I mean love...love...right...

I'm not making sense and can't really think of anything to to say...so TOODLES!

2005-12-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

she got grounded from me...lol.

Ok well that is a really stupid groundation...hahaha.

Ok well atleast I know she is alive.

2005-12-20T00:12:00.000-07:00

I'm such a wimp. Its been 2 days since Amber has called me without any word from her and I'm freaking out...like some sort of little puppy waiting for the master to come home...I just sit around by the door and perk my ears everytime I hear a car go by...except its not cars I get excited about...its emails...Nothing to report though. I know you must be thinking...chillax bud its only been a few days...well...you have to remember...we haven't gone weeks without calling each other...at least once per day. Even if its just a little, "Hey hun can't talk long but I just wanted to say hi." kinda things. Atleast that something. Its a reminder they are still alive out there. I'm getting worried and I know there is probably a perfectly reasonable reason I haven't gotten word...and when she does call I'll be like a giddy little girl about it...but for now...I'm worried...I miss her....*sniff sniff*...

2005-12-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

I've had incredible days in a row this week. Saturday I drove up at the ass crack of dawn to see my beautiful Amber. We had the bestest of times. It was cold as hell...which is ironic...because I thought hell was hot...but anyhoo it was cold and she was wearing a dress and a shirt that was torn up on the back. Super sexy...but not very warm.

2 hours later.

I forgot I was writting this...

Ok so anyways we had a beautiful time.

The church was cool. I had alot of fun. I know almost everyone there...its scary..and cool...

ok I gotta go toodles.

2005-12-13T13:14:00.000-07:00

Ok I don't remember the last time I posted here. Its been a while. I can't really talk right now...well ok I can..but I really don't feel like it so there. But anyways things are going well. I went the beauty pagent at the church last Sunday and I made it to the final 4 out of like...20 something guys. I was happy I just got up there. Anyways...I'll be back some other time.

evman

2005-12-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

What low life peice of shit pussy ass mother of a whore deletes your files from 4 different computers? What kind of low life...goes through and makes sure that your quarter has been a complete and udder waste of time? I mean to say what peice of shit would try to just screw you over that bad...what did I do? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO? I obviously got more enemies than I thought...because they have really fucked me over now...and it might just turn out that I won't be passing some of my classes now...and for what? I'm the fuck head here for not backing up my files on CD I guess I just figured copying my shit on FOUR FUCKING COMPUTERS Would be ok...no way in hell would ALL of them be deleted in one fine swoop...is anyone else's shit deleted? Hell no nothing is deleted anywhere else...JUST FUCKING ME! Things were going my way this time too...in fact I was feeling up beat...but now some fuck face peice of shit no fucking conscious little twat of a whore has to go and fuck me over and I don't even no why or when or how. What kind of lesson could I of gotten out of this? Other than to distrust every single peice of shit that works on the same computers as me...should I be paranoid of every person I speak to thinking maybe one of the low lifes was the peice of shit that deleted my 10 weeks of work? Should I just go into a fanatical rage and find this peice of shit and make him pay...pay in blood...pay in skin...Right now I could kill this person...right now I could really fuck the crap out of them. Oh...I hope I find out...I hope I do...I want to see the fear in their beedy little friggin eyes as I rip their tongue out. I want them crying for mercy. This is going to cost me a friggin fortune if I fail. On top of my FRIGGIN GPA which I've been keeping up. They've fucked over everything....I almost want things to go bad just to give me an excuse to hunt the little basterd down...I want to fail just so I have that excuse. ARGH!!!

Smashing puppies with baseball bats....

Hitting squirrels with semi trucks...

Nailing bunnies to the wall with a high pressure nail gun...

*sigh*...ok...I just had to get that out...I just needed to yell and curse and piss on something so that I don't do it for real...

ugh I'm full of so many mixed emotions...

I'm sad and angry as friggin hell and mad at myself and vengeful and happy.

I'm happy because I got a mom and dad that love me beyond beleif and we'll do anything for me...I'm happy because I can draw...and I can draw well...I CAN MODEL! Hell yes I can model..I just got to put my mind to it...I got connections...I'm going to CA right out of here and I'm going to help my cousin out and get some friggin work done. I'm making money at work, and I'm learning alot too...I got good friends here at the school and I got great friends back at home. I got a friggin awesome computer hell I even got two! I'm a good looking guy, I got badass hair, my life could be a hell of alot worse.

Not to mention the farking beautiful being that I'm dateing right now...She's friggin amazeing...everytime I talk to her I find I love her that much more. So what the hell do I have to be angry about.

FARK THIS SCHOOL! What happens happens...I'll pull through...I always have. If I fail well then I farking fail shit happens. I know now not to trust the computers with more half a penny worth of work. I know how to make websites and hell I could make one way better than I had it. It wasn't all that great anyways. Sure I lost some models and some animations...but they were shitty anyways...this is my way to make it new...clean...good..

so yeah...I'm alright...I got a beautiful girlfriend that'll make me feel better...I'm going to go see her in a week, and I going to dye my hair black and white...and I want to get my lip peirced...but I can't do that yet but I WILL WHEN I CAN...and you know what I'll be in that fucking Beauty Pagent and I don't even care if I win because I tried...and I know I'll get at least one cheer from the group...I'm going to goth out and look beautiful...because I can...

AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA....

Damn...I feel good now...

2005-12-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

What possible good would there be if there wasn't evil to appose it?! Hello everyone. Feeling pretty good today, just got a whole lot of work done AND on top of it...its more work than my fellow friends here...so I am proud that I am a less underachiever than them...Weird...Ok so I think I'll be going to the Church tonight. It'll be my first try at the clubs on a thursday. Seemed like a fun idea and I haven't been there on a thursday and I've been telling these guys that its fun and they want to go so yay. I hope things go as well as they did last time...except minus the parking ticket...speaking of which I need to pay that...

ON TO OTHER NEWS!

This just in...mommies that kill their babies are not evil...they simply are going through a more serious version of the baby blues...So if you see a mother throwing her children down the river, or sawing off their legs, or boiling them in steaming hot water...even if she is sticking them in the microwave...don't get angry...pat them on the back and say...GET OVER IT!

And if your Right eye doth make you sin...then you should pluck that eye out...so...in other words...PULL OUT YOUR EYEBALLS CHILDREN THEY ARE EEEEEEVIL! SO SAYETH THE BIBLE!....amen....

I stapled my finger yesterday...it bleed like a stuffed pig...which appearently bleed alot...because I've never witnessed a stuffed pig bleed personally...

sorta like the saying, "Straight from the horses mouth" Personally I wouldn't know anything about the age of a horse by the length of his teeth...but appearently...you can...

Me and Amber are doing well. Things getting spicy...which is a hard word to say backwords...She is soooooo cute...UGH! I miss her...can't wait to go see her again...which I'm pushing for the 17th but I dunno if it'll really happen. I haven't really been able to talk to her in the past few days just because buisy schedules..

SPEAKING OF WHICH I need to get my schedule for next quarter..I'm a little late and yeah...its going to cose me money..which sucks...because everything is costing me money lately...

THE CHURCH...ah the temple of sin...the terpsichore-Tavernatorium-illuminorama-assembladome!

BUT I'm tired of being here...I'm tired of typeing...I'm tired of you doing that lip reading under your breath thing as you read this...that's really annoying....you know that?

Evman

2005-11-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

So yeah...I went to the Church last night again. I'm starting to believe that I am more alive there than anywhere else. It was fucking amazeing. Everytime I go it gets better. I saw alot of people there I knew...and its comming to my realization that I know a hell of alot of people there...soon to be more. Everytime I go I meet someone new. I danced the night away more than I have in the past...though I myself was not all that in the groove for some reason...I think it might be my big boots, its hard to dance in them. My only regret is that I couldn't have Amber join me. That would be badass. Oh the dancing...oh the making out...oh...the...um...yeah....

I went with Levi (My clubbing buddy it seems) Levi's Friend (Beer Drinking Dude...can't remember his name) Randy and Kenny (Boy wouldn't dance >.<) I got Kenny up on the floor once...even got a girl I know to dance with him...but he wouldn't...the basterd :P I'll get you next time foo. I had one girl randomly complament me, I had two girls outside that wanted to take their picture with me, then it started this whole chain reaction...EVERYONE wanted pictures...I gladly did so...I had 3 girls dance with me and I danced with all my guy buddies...I think I kinda scared Kenny poor fella...I got all over him hehe.

Anyhoo was it...the night went amazeing...and I must go now...

I love you Amber and WE WILL BE VISITING SOON.

2005-11-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

And then...from the depths...the smell of vergin maples tingled the nose of the slumbering beast....he sniffed the air wildly in his half droused state...and arose to take flight in the night air once more....

Who am I speaking of....THE ICECREAM MAN DUH!

Anyhoo days go by and I think that's a song...or a movie title...but that's unimportant...I have about 10 seconds before I have to go to work...so things have happened I meet people I go clubbing, I convience friends to do same...no one comes I go alone, meet new people have good time...ditch old friends...make enemies...no not really I don't ditch old friends...

But yeah stuff with shit happened the past few days. I'm pretty friggin happy, except work puts me down...and school is getting annoying...so yay. Thanksgiving was good, I miss amber...and I guess I'll be going down to see her in a couple weeks...going to try to do another road trip...but maybe stay a few days instead of just a all-day pass to Oklahoma...

anyhoo I'm late so bye!

2005-11-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been a blur. Being that I'm sick I can't quite seem to figure out what's real and what's dreaming. I woke up this morning and it took me 30 minutes to realize I wasn't asleep. I kept thinking it was all a dream. The cold shower was a wake up call. I want to make another visit to Oklahoma but I just don't see when it would be good. Perhaps I can fly down there sometime and they can pick me up. Maybe stay a few days then go back...that would be nice...but I don't have a few days to spare...Between work and school. I hate school. I can't seem to get any energy to do anything...so far I've managed to do nothing for this quarter...and I Don't even care. I just don't see any purpose...I got a million other things I would like to be doing...but then what is more important than getting my future figured out? I Would say...the now...I like living in the now...I like doing things NOW...why do we waste the majority of our prime years...looking ahead....Humans are obsessed with the future...we obsess about what will happen next...what to look forward to...we forget to look at what's great now...I feel like I'm going insane. I'm restless. I want to go out and do things. I want to go to clubs...I want to go on road trips and see the world. I want to sail the seas and go to every country. I want to see the great wall of china and the grand canyon and a volcano...I Want to see islands that no one else have been on..I want to pet a wild animal from another country. I want to feed a lion. None of these things involve being here...where I am...at this school...I don't feel like I've really learned anything...I've just managed to get frusterated at my field...and you know the sad thing is my field isn't anything like this. I know what I want to do...and I know what I can do...if someone could just get me a job I'd know what to do easy. *Sigh*...I just need to move out with my cousin and work under him.

I miss Amber. I've grown very attached to that girl. The more I talk to her the more I realize we have in common. And the slight things that are different seem to complament each other. She quick to anger...and I never get angry...she can get angry when I ought to and I can calm her down when it is needed...that's just one example.

My friend is wakeing up so I must go now...he'll probably be wondering what I'm doing at his house...useing his computer...while he sleeps...

Evman

2005-11-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

Ok to save time I'm going to write this as fast as I possibly can being that I'm not entirely the fastest typer in the world this is going to get kinda hairy and I'm probably going to resort to not deleting my mistakes.

SOOOO...wihotut further adu....

So ok this weekend I had a great time. on Saturday we did our Oklahoma visit which as ....aAAH!! amazeing. and such and yeah and so on and so forth we went to see saw II but I didn't really watch all that much of it because I was busy enjoying the very site of my belovedededed Amber. ANYHOO I met her father which I heard about and he pulled a gun on me and through me a bullet and said that this was what was going through my head if I did anything but I had already expected this because amber had told me about his antics. Turns out I think he likes me alright and such and honestly I was pretty impressed by him myself. ok fuck going fast...

Ok so after that we went to the movies like I said, we got lost and such but that's ok we made it out ok. We then went to the mall and it was fun, I bought 150 dollars worth of stuff, some boots, a necklace and a pair of pants for her. She said she'll pay me back somehow but I'd rather not go into detail on how.

The rest of the trip was fun too the boys found a place to go with a friend there in norman and so me and amber got some alone time which was nice because I hadn't really EVER had any...

Um um...stuff and with things....

blah blah blah

Well it was fun and I can't wait till next time...

fetish ball was a blast aswell. So many naked hot bodies...ugh...amazeing...

There was enough horny people in that building to start a fire...but it was fun. I got to watch some chick get off on a rope, a vaccum sealed bed thing...and beating the shit out of some other guy...of course different girls...that would be weird to do all at once...

Also watched some chick fly around on a chain wrapped in duct tape....very interesting...

It was alot of fun can't wait till that show comes around again...I went home kinda early though because I wasn't feeling good, me and my friend levi went to a sex toy SUPER STORE afterwords because we got an advertisment in the shape of a condom and couldn't say no... I bought a few things....

Anyhoo...

I must go now...BYE!

2005-11-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

Yes I've taken quite a reality beating lately. I keep thinking about how much things are changing outside and inside. I've grown very impatient when it comes to drama...has anyone else noticed that? I just don't care anymore...maybe its because all I can think about is how little it really means. Sure I understand if something pisses you off or makes you sad...but why sit there and let it bother you for days and days and days...trust me...I do a million things wrong throughout my day and I just think well that sucked and I move on...life is so much more rewarding this way. Anyhoo that's not aimed at anyone and do tell me when things go bad or something if you need someone to talk to...I'm not emotionaless I'm just talking about stupid little shit you know? Well anyways I love ya all. Anyhoo...um...um...OH right this Friday yeah, sounds good Kenny. Very romantic of you. I need to buy some flowers or something for Amber when I see her...that would be nice. Um oh right I was talking about stuff that's changed...sorry got a little distracted. I dunno things are way different. AND YES! I KNOW! WHEN I TELL A JOKE I ALWAYS TELL IT TWICE!! I know this now....I've never noticed it before...but I ALWAYS tell the punch line twice...I can't help it...I want to make people laugh again...lol.

OK well I'm obviously not going to get anywhere writting today...I've got too many things going on at once and I can't keep up. Cya on the flip side bone chicken.

Evman

2005-11-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

OOOOOh....well...this is an interesting question...One I find myself also asking. When is it alright to feel the attachtment of love and what not...Well..I don't really have an answer for you. I mean how do you stop what you feel? No matter how incredibly stupid or strange or out of place...you feel what you feel and no matter what you do...you can only supress thoughs feelings only for them to explode in your face later. I'm a firm believer that emotions should not be tampered with but instead simply understood better. You can't help if you find total affection towards someone else...just try to understand what kind of affection it is. Love is such a stupid word. It never explains what it means. Love is so farking broad it could mean anything. I believe we should ditch the word love, and find some more reasonable levels of love. We need to cut it up and divide it into sections...because when you tell a friend you love them, its different from telling your mate that you love them...or even when you tell your parents you love them...or siblings, the list is endless...and not to mention the different levels that you can have between a you and a single individual. Its hard to explain you love someone as a friend and person without sounds like you want to make sweet monkey lovin to them...and yet at the same time explaining that its more than just "Likeing" them. Likeing? What kind of word is that for the emotion? Its not even a new word...its just taking the word, "Like" which is to consider, evaluate, to prefer or "equal in amount"...hardly explains what you mean. There are many levels of likeing someone too. The english language is underdeveloped in the area of emotions. I often find myself lost for words when it comes to finding out how I feel. In this sense...the english language is faulty. Look at my position right now for instance...

I'm currently with an incredibly lovely girl that I love dearly. Now I've been telling her I love her for some time...but the context hasn't always been the same. When we first started saying we loved each other its the same kind of love I have for pretty much anyone I know. I "like" them more than just simply likeing. I have feelings and consider them someone of importance in my life, I would be hurt if this person would not like me, and I would be worried if this person was in danger, more so than a complete stranger, or someone I just sorta know. (You see how complicated this gets?) Now if I could explain that in one word...that would be something. I love her in that sense. Now that we have been dateing for a while that love has turned into something else. I not only find her as an important person in my life, but now I find her of up most importance. I find it harder to stay away from her and think about her often. This is the next level in my book of love. She's more than just a friend...I guess this would be the BEST FRIEND level...but its not that either because we are dateing...We need a level simliar to best friend level but for dateing....hmmmm....Anyways...I can't say that I love her at the top level which is like...what's between a husband and wife...that would be silly we have only been dateing for a few weeks. Which is frightening because I've gotten really really attached to her in no time...which I Guess is a good thing...but scary at the same time. Love is so funny. Love makes you both happy and incredibly scared. Its awesome because of the massive amount of enjoyment and pleasure you get from this other person, just being around them and knowing you have this really close relationship with someone else who cares equally about you. Its scary though because this person will get closer to you than anyone else...this person will know your deep and awful secrets and they can if they wanted to use it aginst you. You have to give up your walls and defenses and let this other person into your heart and that's farking scary. Love is a height in emotions beyond the normal for day to day. Its crazy to me how obsessed we as humans are about it. Its all we think about even when your not thinking about it your body is. We are programmed to be social interacting creatures. We are created to do so. And no matter how hard you try to stop it or slow it down...its impossible...because its our nature.

Fun fun fun...

I love you Kenny :P

2005-11-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Fellow Worker named Kenny. The problem you are currently experiencing can be easily fixed by, ASKING HER OUT....don't dance around the edge of love GO FORTH AND SMITE THE EVILS OF FEAR AND TACKLE THE ONE YOU DESIRE! If she says yes, you know its good, if she says no...it was never ment to be. PROBLEM SOLVED!

2005-11-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

ok so just about a week till we go now. Things are getting interesting. I WARN YOU AGAIN...I'll probably be all lovey dovey so just...just be prepared...I have full faith in you all that you'll find something to entertain yourselves with. The movie should be fun I don't know what we'll go see...doesn't really matter to me just as long as we go haha. Things are good here...I'm friggin out about work though. They threw me into a real fix yesterday. I had to close the frame workshop by myself and I don't know how to do that. The person that was going to help me didn't show up...so I was left by myself. I'm one of 5 guys that work there...all 50 billion other workers are female...its weird. I feel like an alien on a distant crafty world...They told me I can't wear arm warmers and or nail polish...but that's fine I figured they wouldn't like that. Blah blah blah but closeing sucked! I didn't get to break because I was the only one there so I couldn't pee or eat or sit from 2pm till 9:30pm. I was starving. But things seemed to work out alright....I guess...I'll probably get yelled at for something next week. Makes me want to get a good job...something better than...um...this...

Evman AWAY!!

2005-11-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

ALRIGHT! Josh c'mon down. I think our best bet is if we all get together the friday before and sleep at my house, it'll be fun besides. That way I KNOW everyone will be on time hehe. I'm excited about it...like Xmas excited...which is odd cause I'm not even this excited about Xmas anymore. I warn you all...I'm going to be all lovey dovey..its what I do...just expect it...WEEE Glad to hear you had fun Kenny. You lover boy you. Happy fucking merry jolly birthday you young wipper snapper...how old you going to be? 12? 15? hehehehehe

2005-10-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

OK! Its official we will be leaving the 12th. Any foo who wants to join call me up and I'll give ya details. We'll probably be meeting the day before to get things together and what not, maybe spend the night at my house that way we can get an early start the next day. I want out the door at the scheduled time. I DEMAND IT! hehehe not really but it would be really nice. I'm excited...TODAY IS HALLOWEEN! WEEEEEE!!! I totaly don't have my costume ready. I figure I'll dress my normal dress, wear my crazy mask, do my thing, get some candy, make some love (I wish...) and get down tonight. JIGGA JIGGA!

I've to deal with the fact that no one I know is a virgin anymore...They drop like flies...I just stopped careing. Honestly its none of my buisness anyways...but man this world if full of sinners. We all are so evil hehehehehe MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I WILL CONTROL WITH AN IRON FIST!!

last friday I stayed up here at the school and played Day of Defeat and CounterStrike for game night. I was wooping some major ass in DOD...so bad in fact that people kept turning to me and watching my screen and just saying, "Jesus christ dude..." over and over...I felt so proud. Then we play CS and I got my ass handed to me the first couple rounds but then after while wouldn't you know I Was at the top of the list killing the enemy like a pro...and yet again I got the, "WTF man...thats crazy." thing and felt very proud.

PRIDE seems to be my deadly sin of the week. Getting way too into that stuff.

I'm on a diet. I stopped drinking masses of soda, and started drinking masses of flavored water. My gut has shrinked alot and if I can keep off as much fast food as possible I might get my slim gut back. I can feel muscle down there again!

Not there you dirty minded person :P

Anyways I've rambled on far enough toodles.

2005-10-29T19:39:00.000-06:00

AWWWWW wouldn't you know...well Kenny you need to tell mr THUMB to shove it a big one up his large unamed cavity! On the other hand...you can always say your going out of town to celebrate and a need a few days...hmmmmmmm? IF they say no..you can always kill them and drain them of their blood...that seems to work just fine.

EVman

2005-10-28T08:21:00.000-06:00

Well awesome. I'm glad some of you loverly people wish to join me. I don't mean to rush things...but I might be thinking as soon as the 12th. I still have to pass it by me parents but I see no problem there. If this conflicts with any of you guys we'll figure something better out. that's a saturday by the way which means I'll need to tell my work...that should be easy though. Well again I really appriciate you guys giving your input and stuff.

Here is my plan for that fateful day

Everyone get together at 7 (we'll probably get together the day before for getting shit, snacks food whatever)
get driving by 8
get there probably about 11-12
meet amber for thoughs who haven't, probably hang out for a few hours
around 2-3 go to the movies
after movie go out to eat somewhere (fast food or otherwise)
probably going to be around 7ish then
head home at 8-9
get back at 12
the end.

2005-10-26T12:05:00.000-06:00

weeee. And yes that is that girl we met in Oklahoma. So much fun. I'm trying to rig up a way more me to go up there and visit her sometime...perhaps a road trip is in hand...its only like a 3 hour drive, if I start at 6 in the morning I'll get there by 10 at the latest give or take how easy her house is to find. Then we have all day to hang out do stuff, run around town, blah blah blah and all that jazz..then I figure we can start back home around 7-8 get home around 10 to 11 and still have some night left to do whatever else is about. If any of you silly kids want to join me in this adventure...just give me a call...it'll be fun.

2005-10-24T22:45:00.000-06:00

The single life and I do not get along. It seems I can't stay single for more than a few weeks at a time :D I'm going out with Amber Schatz! Yet another long distance relationship DAMN IT! So worth it though. Cheers.

2005-10-24T16:52:00.000-06:00

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!

This is the everybody Song
So everybody sing along,
Oh this is the everybody song,
So why don't everybody sing along?

This is your song if you...
Don't know what to do
This is your song if you...
Don't have a clue
This is your song if you...
if your bored too
This is your song if you...
if you know kung fu

OH This is the everybody song,
So everybody sing along,
OH! this is the everybody song,
So why don't everybody sing along?

OOOOOH! OOOOOOOOH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOooHHH!!!!...

THIS THE EVERYBODY SONG!
SO EVERYONE CAN SING IN TUNE!
THIS THE EVERYBODY SONG!
SO SING FROM MORNING TO NOON!
THIS IS YOUR SONG YOUR SONG YOUR SONG!
SO SING ALONG SING ALONG OH GOD SING ALONG!

This is your song if you...
Need a friend, me too!
This is your song if you...
wanting to be alone, SHOO!!!
This is your song if you...
Are trying to break up with you know whoooo...
This is your song if you....
Are wanting to hook up...OOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

THIS IS THE EVERYBODY SONG!
SO EVERYBODY SING ALONG!
THIS IS THE EVERYBODY SONG!
WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST SING ALONG?!

We don't have to be in tune, or know what to do, we just need to sing and dance and laugh and cry so have a day and laugh away the sorrows of yesterday and look to the skies for signs of tomorrow, good or bad, it doesn't matter because together we are all in power, we live our lives and love can live and die, as we breathe and fry under the sun but if we hold hands and walk the lands and God will hear us far and long, for we'll be singing this SONG THIS SONG THIS SONG! OOOOOH!!!

OOOOH! OOOOOOOOH!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOoOOH!!!!!

This is the everybody song,
So everybody sing along!
This is the everybody song!
So why don't you all just sing along?!

THIS IS THE EVERYBODY SONG THIS IS THE EVERYBODY SONG! OOOOOOOH!!! OOOOOH!!!!
THIS IS THIS IS THIS IS!!!!!!
EVERYBODY EVERYBODY EVERYBODY!!!

SO SING ALONG!

2005-10-24T02:17:00.000-06:00

I couldn't find closer today. I was hopeing my Sunday would be better. I was hopeing that I could go to the church and relax after a hard week. But it seems I won't be finding closer to this week. It seems I'll be ending this Sunday with anger. I didn't get to go to the church. Josh couldn't go and he was the only one who knew how to get there...so I knew right away this was bad...the other people I was going with didn't show up until really late and then they fucked around too long and then we got lost and so basically...I drove around...wasted a full tank of gas...and for what? So I could be flirted on by some girl that just happened to forget to tell me she has a farking boyfriend...and has been just PLAYING with me the whole night. So I wasted my night on nothing. Nothing cost alot and next sunday...I'm going to the church no later than 10...if no one goes with me or can't seem to make it on time...I'm going without them...because unlike them...I NEED this kind of interaction...I can't even think straight I'm so stressed and angry right now. I left them feeling very unsatisfied. I'm thinking of making it up by going not only on Sunday this week...but Thursday too...fark them...if they can't get it together...I'll go alone.

2005-10-17T01:12:00.000-06:00

No one reads this...and that means I can say what I want.

Tonight...I could not be happier.

I went to a club called the Church tonight. I think if I were to die and get to choose what heaven was like...it would be pretty close to that. There was heavy bass, fast rythms...and most importantly scantly dressed BEAUTIFUL women all around. I hadn't a chance with any of them. But I need not be with them to enjoy their lovely sight.

I danced alot and though at first I felt a little intimidated...I soon got into and realized...no one cared how I danced...I just flail about and everyone is happy. I would like to learn to dance though. There was this one girl there that I stared at for a good 10 minutes watching her dance. She wasn't exactly incredibly beautiful...but oh the danceing...I was in aw of her ability. She made it seem so easy. I knew I looked nothing like that I jerked around. My friends were getting a little antsy to leave because the music was heading towards kinda indi technoish stuff...this scared me...so I made my move.

I asked this lovely young girl to dance with me. She was so beautiful and ever so skinny...she HAD to be no older than 18. Oh it was lovely. Neither one of us could dance and talking was out of the picture...but I didn't care...I Was there and I was interacting with another person I didn't know. We danced a song, I kissed her hand and I left. I hope she left feeling as happy as I did. I hope to go back more often...perhaps every Sunday night. I dunno if I'll really be able to...but I'm going to try so hard. I can't wait till I'm 21 and can go for half price.

This is my sanctuary...this is my home. Among like minded people. I don't feel so alone today.

I had my first actual day of work today. It was pretty good. I fucked up a million times...but I Think I'll get the hang of it. Shaye came and visited me for lunch and that was nice she seems to be ok...though her car troubles seem to haunt her. I probably said some things I shouldn't of..not bad...just I dunno I'm in an interesting mood. I want to be held by the opposite sex again...and it starting to rub off in what I say to people.

I'm giving up being shy. Its never done anything for me. I'm going to jump out and start speaking my mind.

You might ask...EV? SHY? WHAT?...but I'm not talking about wearing a dress to school or calling my Principle the Devil....I mean I'm going to be more open towards girls. I have feared their rejection long enough. I've decided...I don't care if they reject me...AT LEAST I TRIED! So far...I haven't been rejected....this...is an incredible burst of confidence and well...I feel pretty badass...not a ladies man of any means...but...I have a chance...I've never figured I ever had a chance.

enough babble...I'm smileing like a mad man...and I want to go to sleep...dreaming of the lovely time I had...

Evman floating away.

2005-08-29T08:36:00.000-06:00

So I was sitting in my car. I layed my seat back after driving to school and just sat there staring at the roof of my mini-SUV like automobile wishing I had a skylight and thinking. I was listening to the radio because I was too lazy to get out any of my CDs which I prefer over 5 minutes of music and 20 minutes of ads but it was nice for what it was. I sat there thinking about how I was in the perfect mood to just sit around watching the stars pass by on top of some big hill out of the city limits. It hit me of course how I ironic it was that I would have this feeling at 9:00 in the morning as I layed in my car staring at the cement roofing of a parking garage. Hardly a romantic sight. Last night I was feeling really down because I slept till 3 in the afternoon after being up all night. I felt like I had wasted my Sunday. Though I guess I did need the sleep. I mowed the lawn which made me feel a little better...like I had actually done something with my day but the real trick was going to the movies with Shaye. She called me and we decided to go see The Brothers Grimm which by the way was a pretty good movie...though alot of it didn't make sense or have any real purpose...it was fun. And being there with Shaye made it all worth while. She came to my house about 30 minutes before the movie started in this really pretty dress she had bought the day before while we were at the mall. It was funny because for the first time in many many months I remembered that she is very much a female. I know that sounds kinda funny but I sorta think of her as one of the guys. Before we were going out we were friends and that's what she was...one of the guys. Seeing her in that dress reminded me and I got to see a side of her that doesn't come out very often. Of course I was the one wearing all the make-up which was funny. It turned out to be a really great night. A sunday well spent. My friends invited me to a comedy skit at some church that evening too but I was mowing the lawn which is totally unrelated to anything I was talking about earlier...but I thought I'd throw that out there.

I'm starting to think I need a vacation...but then I know I'd just waste it doing nothing...

2005-08-15T16:42:00.000-06:00

Well Alot has happened...what can I say...

School is alright.

My crazy mood swings have increased yet I still tell very few of them.

My best friend whom I haven't talked to in many many months is now gone.

I don't exactly know how to feel about that.

I'm here in class

I'm bored out of my mind...

and I'm smileing like a lunatic...

End Log.

2005-07-15T02:27:00.000-06:00

No...I'm not going to post that. I just wrote about how pissed and angry and destroyed I feel right now...but then I've decided not to write about it. Not like that. I can't seem to find the words for what I feel right now. There are things I should let go. Things I should stop careing about and yet for some horrible reason my mind keeps comming back to them. Is it really my curse to never forget or let go of anything? I need pills...that's right...I want to drown my screwed up side in drugs. Not illegal kind...but the kind the doctor gives you for being a psycho. I want anti-depressents...I NEED them...I'm starting to think that I should talk to my parents about getting some...this...feeling in my gut won't go away...I can't seem to let go of pain. Like it'll be the last feeling I ever have. I think I need to see a doctor about it because I'm really starting to scare myself. This is torture...I can't sleep...I can't eat...I have stomach cramps all the friggin time...I get these random fits of anger and sadness and I just can't stop it. I'm chemically not alright I thinks. Everything seems to make me mad. I've tried so hard at hideing it...or just thinking about other things...but tonight I can't seem to let go...I really can't sleep...I'm so tired and I can't sleep because my mind just keeps going over the same shit over and over and I can't take it. I'm going to talk to my mom about it tomorrow...perhaps she knows something about it....

ugh...I want to hit myself with something so I can sleep...I want sleeeeeeeeeeep...

ARAGaklgjaljgaj g;ojgo;ijgao jgoearjga;goi ngoiahoi jaoh jaohj;jbajb;jhioajh;ojhoa;ijg;oa jhosarnboadnfb;osdfnbkl;db;oiaerpi9jshgauibhaohg har;gha
ga ;oghaoig agjeja
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aq yjta3i

2005-07-13T09:44:00.000-06:00

Ok...so yeah. I've said things in the past I've always regreted. I guess the future holds the same damn shit. I can't seem to ever say what I mean. I always get my words wrapped around the wrong way and they come out sounding bad. I wrote this perticular little thing that was ment to be overdramatic and sarcastic with a tone of reality in it and...well it ended up just becoming a bad thing. I've insulted someone I never wanted to. I got nothing else to say I'm really tired of writting...it seems I'm going to take a break from it...being it only brings me bad news.

Evman away...

2005-07-12T17:32:00.000-06:00

Oh god I hate down raters. I got onto that site I'm obsessing about and I was on the top rated people on the site and then some jackass had to down rate me and completly put me off the list. Some people just get a kick out of making everyone else feel bad. What the hell is wrong with some people.

2005-06-30T13:35:00.000-06:00

Love God Love Guns Love your Gernades
Spill childrens blood apone our streets
pave the way to the future
breaking backs with anger
Seize the day ontop of each other
kill your neighbor feed the sin withen you forever
Love God Love Guns Love your gernades
Our skin fades to scales, rejection
reflection, of ourselves cought in infection
Kill your neighbor, love your guns and labor
Fight for freedom withen our prisons
Oh God love your guns love your gernades
Fall forever Our war never slumbers
American whores break down doors drug bust lovers
end our pain with pills take the drills to your brains
and kill your mind instead of word your opinions
change the world not with your mouths but your money
divide and conquer kill another now and forever
Love God Love Guns Love your gernades
And stone another...

I'm in a weird mood...

2005-06-22T16:06:00.000-06:00

"I'd have to say that sleeping next to Randy is my favorite thing to do with him whether it's at bedtime or falling asleep on the sofa watching a movie..."

There is no way of going about explaining the situation without one of you getting insulted...though not my intention I know that's what will happen. Simply put you and him are in a relationship...and if it wasn't you it be someone else...and I don't want to deal with that kind of thing every night. I need my space...My alone time...thus the issue with having a roomate...I would have to have a seperate room...I need space. Randy...Randy usually doesn't. I get smothered when alot of people are around and I don't see that happening with him quite as often.

I'll say nothing more on the subject being again...people will just get insulted and blah blah blah highschool drama that I can do without.

Ah these echoing walls I call my blog. How I do miss these catacombs of my memories. I do so enjoy leaving them here. Old emotions that I'd rather leave behind in these hollow words.

Well...here goes another emotion...can you guess which one?

BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH ARRRRRGH FARK FACK FICCKLE FUNGUS Aklgjaokjgoawjgkaodjgakojokjgowiefaojn
aghakvja
bajklvbj'ajvawj
gab
ajba
ljbvpawjb
abja
jb
ajb
pawjgpwjgaopiwjgopiawjgiopajgpoajsdfb'bjkjbokjgoajogiajwopgjasga

ARGH!!!! ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!

On to other things...I've become a resident of www.vampirefreaks.com the name makes me laugh everytime I say it. Nice place to meet pretty people that have common interests.

in any case I tire of this place...it gives me chills that I wish not have right now. Goodbye.

Evman.

2005-06-16T20:19:00.000-06:00

I get to go home soon. At least for a while. I have to come back tomorrow for the last time to finish up everything I'm too lazy to do today. I've just burned myself out today. I just don't have the energy to do anymore...not that I did all that much. I think I just work better when I know death is on the line if I don't do it NOW. I'm going to pass these classes making A's and B's its a pretty much garantee now. I'm happy about this. Saturday I go to Oklahoma for a wedding...Shaye is comming with me...something tells me...I'll be thinking of future bells aswell. Hint hint. Marriage sounds so much fun. So new and exciting and right. But I know I am yet too young to be making such a dramatic change in my life. Marriage means forever. I want no question in the matter. As promised till death do we part kinda thing. I refuse to get a divorce. I just refuse. I have to make sure its real. No backing out. Till I feel that this is the absolute yes I want to marry you kinda thing...then I'm going to wait. I've become quite dependant on the love and effection of another. These past few weeks I haven't been able to see Shaye very often and I'm feeling very lonely. School is a bitch about relationships. Seeing Oscar with his girlfriend only reminded me of how much I miss spending time with Shaye. Problem also being I have nothing to really give her. I have no money. I want to take her out and spend time with her in public places...but DAMNED if everything beautiful doesn't cost and arm and a leg. Though I think there are plenty of other things we could do to spend time together. Movies have really lost their power these days...its the only thing we ever do. I feel bad about it too. I need to find something new and exciting for us to do. Something really sparatic and fun. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about money sucking places and start thinking about the free places that are everywhere...there are alot of woods around my house...parks...trails...any one of thoughs places would be oodles of fun. Maybe I'm just boreing. My ability to feel anything is still not good. I still feel numb...like I'm getting over someone's death. I'm afraid to feel. But for what reason I do not know. Who would I be mourning for? No tragedies have happened in many years. Perhaps I'm feeling sadness for something yet untold. I've had these kinds of feelings before...I feel regret...or sadness...or some sort of negative feeling only to find that something bad would happen later from which that feeling seems to fit like a puzzle peice. I hope no one dies.

I'm out of writting ability. I'm glad some of you still read this stuff...if in fact...any of you do...

Evman

2005-06-16T02:48:00.000-06:00

ok so I'll say this right now...I hate useing a laptop to type. So if this thing is full of errors I'm sorry. I can't help that labtops are the most difficult thing in the world to type with. Who decided to make these keys so farking small and who decided to make all labtop keypads so friggin straight...I need a slant to type with. I need some sort of leverage. Oh well. I guess I'll be greatful I have anything to type with tonight. I'm feeling lonely. I'm over here at Oscars house hanging out and what not. I'm not happy. 4 in the morning and all I want is to be with Shaye...could be because I'm in a room full of men...could be because Oscar is in his bedroom with his lovely girlfriend her name is Ray-chill I can't remember how to spell that name but anyways she is really nice. I found it flattering the guys told her about me...They said that I was a freaky looking guy with dreads and makeup but I Was a really super nice guy. I can live with being the nice guy in this group. But yeah...I want my own place...I want to have shaye over whenever...and be like hey...I like you...we should get together and hang out...and she can be like hey...we are dateing you twirp give me attention and I can be like...woah okay lets hang out at my place. I like her having her own place...we can go there to hang out..but I Want to make my own place. I Want to be able to model my little one room apartment for my own...but MY posters up...buy MY furniture...do...my...naked running around the house cause its MINE...I want my house to express me in every corner...but for tonight I'm lonely mooching off Oscars shelter and food and having to think about all the loveliness of them two in there with their own friggin bed and me with a chair...not even a fold out chair in a room full of guys whom I like but would rather be staying with Shaye. Of course this brings up the ever so persistant moral issue of sleeping next to someone your not married to. I'm no moral angel but I would feel bad about that. I wish there was some way to simply sleep next to someone you like and have it not be something bad. I'm all ready to be sleeping next to the one I love...but I'm in no position to start that married stuff. Though it's more common among 19 year olds than I thought which is creepy. I want to get married I have no issue with that...but 19? I can't imagine that. Life has way too many twists and turns at this state to be making such commitments...I just wouldn't want to have to break them...I've broken my share of big promises...let's just say they keep me up at night. I hate breaking promise. I hate that I've broken them before. There are alot of things I don't like looking back on...is it bad that your past tears you apart every time you think about it? There is an empty spot in me where emotion should be everytime I look back. Its scary to me how cold I've become. My emotional state is very narrow these days. I feel an emptiness inside me. Though I can't tell if its because I think I got an empty spot when really I don't or if something really is wrong. Maybe I'm just paranoid but I've noticed that I don't give a shit about much anymore. I hear on the news all the time that people are dieing in countries I can't even pronounce...american or otherwise. Even when I hear the toll of people WE'VE sent to the grave....I know its horrible...I think of all the death and dieing...and it just doesn't mean anything to me. I dunno...I gotta get off now though...people need to use the computer...

Awake...and cold...

Evman

2005-06-10T15:29:00.000-06:00

HERE IS RANDOM SHIT!!

HEY I'M ANIME AND I LIKE CHICKS HAHAHAHA YEAH CAUSE I'M A DESPERATE ARTISTS WHO WANTS TO DO LIKE 50 CHICKS AT ONCE AHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA I'M SO PETHETIC...ok ok all sarcasm aside...50 chicks at once...

I don't know these people..but if I did...I would know them...

awwww...

aww cute

yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yoda

hahaha

wow...

china

FURRIESS SUCK!!!

hey look...levi's mom...satan..

cells

fun fun fun...

hottie

2005-06-10T14:47:00.000-06:00

Humus is good. It looks like crap and reminds me of something that would come out of a scab or something...but's its damn good. Something that bad looking shouldn't be so good. I don't like old people. I hate them in fact. I wouldn't say it to their faces...its not THEM I hate...I hate their oldness. I hate their mortality. It just reflects my own weakness. My own mortality. I'll never be old. I'll just be young forever. I don't have much free time. In fact I have none. Woopie doo..Life is good life is great who do we decapitate? My head is fine I have no headaches this is good because headaches suck. I had a straw once...I had one last night...I was drinking a white chocolate mocha frappiccino from start bucks behind my school with my mom...when was the last time you sucked on a straw? What were you drinking? I think thinking about these kinds of things is fun. I like having fun. Fun reminds me of the word run which isn't very fun to do. Ironic is it not? I guess not really but who gives a -Trucks are fun too. I had a truck once...yeah it was this old rusty brown thing that had holes in it so we put flowers in the holes to make it look funny. We sold it to some people and as far as I know it worked for many years. Years...years years years ....I'm not happy with time right now we aren't on speaking terms. I'll be 20 years old in October. I can look foward to maybe 3 more 20 year periods in my life. So as of right now I am 1/4 of the way through my life. 1/4!!! that's nuts that's crazy it makes me angry. I don't want to die ever. I don't want to drown in a pool of green jello I don't want to I won't I can't. Death is not an option. But then the survival ratio for everyone eventually hits 0. No one can live forever. No one. I have this awful fear of nothing. I have this fear that when I die there will be nothing. All this shit I go through and all the hopes in the world lost. We just disappear our minds our hearts everything we think is important means nothing no answers not even questions just nothing. We'll never know why the universe was created, we'll never see the great return of God, we'll never see what no man can comprehend. We simply don't understand the world or the way things work we just work withen our little knowledge of life and try to find some meaning in our instincts to screw and eat and find shelter and die. I fear that all love can be is some physical attraction blanketed with some pethetic excuss some lie we humans like to cover our urges with some reasoning to continue to screw the ones you love. My mind isn't its normal trance not in its normal path or trail I'm just rambling along the lines of oblivion and boredom. I'm sitting here in class not doing a damn thing and I know I should I know I should be working but I've done all care to do today I've run myself out and I'm out of evergy I want shaye to be here and I can spend time with her I want to spend time with the guys I want time alone I want everything and nothing and I'm a needy person. I really want to sacrifice my needs and wants for pain and suffering. Only once you'd died can you understand the value of life. Only then can you appriciate what once was. I figure if I just hit bottem...just rot in the filth for a while I'll look back and realize how great I have it. How much things were going my way and then I can go back and be enlightened. I want to get in a fight. I want to destroy things and blow stuff up and be careless and relentless and ruthless. I want to be the leader of some cult and start a war on peace and love and trust and need and want and all the things that make humans what they are. I want to be something higher and lower something full of power yet full of something else. I want energy. I want everything to go my way and be the selfish little brat that I always see myself as. Maybe I am. I'm a bad friend and a bad boy friend and a sick perverted bastard and a truck load of other things...HAPPY!!! I'm actually in a good mood.

2005-05-30T15:46:00.000-06:00

I figured out why I like gothic so much...

Gothic chicks are friggin beautiful...

Well...I find them cute...

This guy is my FRIGGIN hero...

I don't have any magical reason, no big fat universal reasoning...no fight aginst politics or common culture...no hate for god or lust for blood...I just simply think humans look beautiful in goth...

I shall participate in the beauty show...

2005-05-29T02:56:00.000-06:00

I'm impatient today. I'm had a real short fuse all day. I get so tired of the drama. I find myself slowly shifting out of my highschool mentality to something else. I just don't have the patience I used to have for idiots striving for my emotional output or attention. I don't give a shit about them...and some of these kids I used to call friends. I feel rather rotten about it too. I feel like maybe I'm betraying them by giving them the cold shoulder when they ask for me. But then when you cry wolf a million and one times...sure...your going to get ignored alot more. I don't have the patience for it. I don't WANT to have the patience for it. I've come to the conclusion...that unless you want to spend time with me...then don't...I'm not going to be insulted if you simply don't want to be around me. Don't waste my time by pretending to be something your not. Don't give me some dramatic scanerio just so you can make an act and spill some shitty one-liners like anyone gives a flying damn. I don't. I won't listen. I'm not going to give you the attention that you so forcefully try to grab from me. So you go and be dramatic and selfcentered and full of nothing...I'll do the same...without you. I got bigger better things to do and honestly I don't have time for you. Not to sound too friggin self centered...but I consider my time to be precious. The fact that I WANT to spend time with possibly...one of you...I would like to have the same respect given back by NOT wasteing it doing nothing. I could be doing a million other things that are pressing for my attention...than spending it watching you be a drama queen or hanging up a million times or over all acting like a total f*ckhead. I know you probably got problems...and I'm sorry the whole world doesn't evolve around you and your life and everything that has your name on it...but we got problems too...we got shit that has to be done...we got OTHER things that DON'T involve you...so if you can't take it...find a better friend because life is too short to be wasting breathe on this petty pethetic subject.

I'm also bitchy. But then this is the place for that isn't it...no one is MADE to read this shit. I simply put it out there for thoughs that DO give a shit. I don't DEMAND Their attention...I simply...allow them to give attention to my issues and if they so wish to cuss me out...help me out...or try to kill me...that's GREAT! I'm all for their input...but I'm not going to FORCE IT DOWN THEIR THROATS...

I leave you in command of making that decision...that's how its made to be. That's how it ought to be. And if you really really really really really really want people to care...maybe...stop forcing your issues down their throats too...and you'll find that people get along with you much better...and possibly one day they'll care enough about you to start worrying about your issues too. OR maybe you bunch of overdramatic selfcentered gossip feeding mental beating ego blasting humanoid robotic repeating problematic monsters should just get together and jabber each others brains out. (I love the hypocracy of it all) And I shall go to the moon to live by myself so that I might be away with your white noise that fogs my brain with irrational fits of anger.

In the mean times...I shall depart...and find some sort of refuge in tonights slumberings...in hopes for a better tomorrow...and no I'm not being poetic I simply mean I hope tomorrow is better than today.

With lots of spitting and growling...
Evman.

2005-05-27T18:53:00.000-06:00

My computer took a shit on me today. Not the one I'm on now...no of course not the one I wouldn't mind loseing. No it had to be the nice one. The harddrive is broken and won't turn on. So I've lost everything on there. Not that this is a great lose or anything. I really didn't have anything of value on there...but just time. I just lost tons of time. Tons of things I've done on there that now I must redo and that pisses me off. I'm angry. I want to do something with my friends but they are all gone. Working no doubt which is what I should be doing right now too. But I'm lazy. No matter. I think one of my contacts are broken hold on.

no my eye is broken instead. I think I might of cut it somehow. Not sure yet how though. So I can tell you what I'll be doing Saturday. Reinstalling everything that was once my glorious computer. But I'm trying so very very very very hard not to make this something it is not. It is simply a machine...we get so attached to our inanimate objects sometimes. Our worldly things. I'll simply let it go...slowly...

Ever so slowly...

Nothing else to report. I'm sorry my blogs have become so boreing...

Evman.

2005-05-23T22:30:00.000-06:00

What to say what to say.

I'm still alive?

Sort of...or at least I am for the time being...

School sucks and I'm beginning to get behind. I hate it. I HATE IT!

I made a song while I was driving to pick up my mom from work. There was a light that was broken on the way which caused a massive pile up of cars. So I sat in traffic for nearly an hour going about one mile to my mome's work. I could of gotten out and walked and gotten there in half time. So as I was going insane thinking about the number of things I could be doing with my life at this very moment but instead I'm wasting away slowly in this god forsaken car...I made a song...

But I can't remember it. It was random and jittery...and sad...

my best work is always forgotten.

I must go now...because...no one reads this anyways...

2005-05-14T04:12:00.000-06:00

your damn right I'm a badass...

You scored as General Grievous.

General Grievous

89%

Darth Vader

83%

Yoda

64%

Emperor Palpatine

64%

Anakin Skywalker

61%

Chewbacca

61%

Mace Windu

56%

Clone Trooper

50%

R2-D2

50%

Obi Wan Kenobi

36%

C-3PO

31%

Padme Amidala

25%

Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

2005-05-14T03:42:00.000-06:00

I bet you have all forgotten I even exsist...I know I have...

Right now I could be in a much better mood. I feel impatient towards some people that without information they might have a reason to be pissed at me...but given what I've been through...no...being what others have been through and which I have been helping...they have no room to be pissed at me. I've done something good today and damn it if you make me feel bad for it.

want to look something up that'll make you wonder?...go to new grounds and search for Salad Fingers flash animations...it's almost like something I'd make...but british...

School has entirly taken over my life. I don't even have room to breathe. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and next week I'm going to have to start really pounding out some rough edges. I'm getting behind and finding less and less energy to do my work. Which means next week I'll be getting to bed on time...and waking up and working like a dog until class starts...I'm hoping to get the homework of this week and the next week near completion before the week after that. Um...in short I'm trying to get ahead. That's a much easier way of putting it. I did go see a movie with Shaye. It was well deserved. Shaye was going to take me on a date and pick me up and we would go eat pizza bites and go to a movie around 6...well her car broke down on the way to my house...so 4 hours later her car turns out completly worthless (she just bought it) and so I had to get her and we went to the movies. OH!...yeah...we are back together working out the kinks from last time...if any of that is news to you...

but yes...school...school...school...

I find myself feeling further and further apart from my friends...here and at school. The ones here all have work and are going on to do other things, worring about where they are going to sleep and finding jobs or what not...the ones at school never really seem all that excited about seeing me...but then they confuse my by being hurt when I don't go sit with them. I don't know what they want. When I'm there they push me away...when I take the hint and go do something else they cry and want me back...My ego is taking a beating of a life time and I don't know what to think.

I got the new Nine In Nails cd...I found it at the movie theatres....who takes cds to a movie?

Their loss my gain I guess

I'm such a bastard.

one of these songs seems to pretty much sum up my life right now...

its called Every Day is Exactly the Same...

"Every day is exactly the same...
there is no loss there is no gain..."

*sigh*...

There is some salad finger joy for you...mmmmm....your body is sooo much fun...I just want to give it a big...stroke....

hehehehehe

that's my new desktop...

wow...its 5 in the morning...might I go to bed?...more to come...I swear I'll try to post more often...and read...more...or something...

2005-04-25T01:41:00.000-06:00

does it ever feel like bad days haunt you forever, but good days never seem to stick around? I find that postive emotion always seems so...short lived compared to the ever persistant negative emotions. I've had my fair share of negativity lately. But its all comming from me. It seems I never write when I'm in a good mood...but then...I wonder....when am I in a good mood? Even my happy doesn't seem to really please me anymore. I smile, and I laugh, and I go through the normal motions of being happy...but I make it happen...it doesn't happen on its own like it should.

God I hate all this emotional drama. I HATE DRAMA!!

I'm like a living 7th Heaven or 90210...WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT NUMBER MEAN ANYWAYS?!?! I never watched the show so it might be obvious...but if you think about it...that's a really weird name for a soap operah. *sigh* I'm rambling. But then at 2:44 in the morning...wouldn't you ramble too? Today was a very simple day. I did nothing. The house was mostly mine for the day...it felt...empty. Shaye's avoiding me and this house and has been since we broke up. I don't blame her...it would be an even more akward experience if this wasn't my house and I was staying with perhaps HER parents instead of my own...but then...there would be plenty of other problems if that happened. She told me a few days ago, "My mom said if we ever got back together I'll kill you(refereing to shaye)." I'm sorta wounded by this...I thought her mom liked me. Funny what little nasty tid bits are ever so delicatly covered in fine red plastic wrappings. Love truely blinds you to many things. I often feel that maybe I'd be better off following the path of a hermit...at least their lives are simple. I know I would benifit from just focusing on my school work...finding pleasure in its hours of work. Somehow...these animation classes don't hold my attention for very long. I find myself droning to go one. I Thought this was supposed to be fun...it isn't. I'm not having fun and this is making me question what exactly I want to do with my life. Maybe everything isn't so cut out and displayed for me like we thought. Maybe I don't know what I want with my life. It will involve art...but even my art isn't really good enough. I'm not nearly good enough to do something productive with it. I'm just...mediocure. I know that sounds harsh and I know you've all seen my artwork and ooo and aaa about it...but if you have seen some of the things other student at my school are shitting out and considering "doodles"...you would cry yourself to sleep...I know I have. I'm pethetic compared to the amazeingness of these kids...most of which are younger and like to do it a hell of a lot more than me. I'm cheap dog food compared to these guys stuff.

I just thought of something rather ironic. I know your all probably sick and tired of hearing about me and shaye...I know I'm sick and tired of being twisted inside about it. But I just thought of a few things that really change my perspective on the whole deal. I've noticed Shaye has gotten more self confident with herself since we broke and I...I have turned into that highschool drama queen I used to be. She evolved into something...and though I'M the one to break up with HER...she got the benifits...how interesting...

On top of this I've also noticed people are really taking her out and having fun with her. Going to clubs, to bands, to everything...while we dated...she always complained about not ever going anywhere...was it my fault that she never went anywhere? It seems now that we are no longer together she hardly has time to even say hello to any of us..HELL I HAVEN'T SEEN HER ALL DAY!

Amazeing...

Maybe I have been the problem...

2005-04-21T20:53:00.000-06:00

And endure I shall. The speech went ok. I talked about my mom instead. I figure it was a pretty good speech..I atleast went as long as she desired...I could of talked about my mom for 20 minutes...I didn't realize I could of...but I gave her a good 3 minutes like she wanted.

Ah I gotta go...mom's in the car waiting..

I'll post something later.

Let's just say...I'm a horrible friend...and I hate myself.

that's a good ending...

Evman

2005-04-20T10:09:00.000-06:00

Well it's been a while since I've posted here. It always takes me a while to post again on this thing...but I always do.

There are alot of subjects I could talk about today. But I'll tell you one I'm not going to touch. I'm not going to insult my own intelligence by explaining to you the truth about the many rumors that I've been hearing about. The very fact that there ARE rumors going around makes me very...very....unhappy. Further more I'd really like to get down and find out who has been spreading them...for I shall make them suffer in ways that shall never be recorded because they are far too awful to even explain. I...HATE...RUMORS...specially untrue ones. Ultra specially thoughs untrue ones about ME.

But again...I shall not get into it. I shall not even touch it more. The bitter taste it leaves in my mouth is far too great, the consquences of what I might do to thoughs who further spread lies about me is too barberic to go further...but please...continue with the lies...I dare you...

Right now...you might say I'm in a bitter mood...try me...really...

Anyways back to stuff that doesn't matter. I've been sleeping before class alot lately. It seems all I have the energy to do now adays is sleep. I have alot of projects due, already due, or will be due soon. I'm already 3 drawings behind in life drawing and I haven't touched two big projects that are due tomorrow. ONE of which I don't even know how to do...or what to do. I'm not happy with this yet I can't get myself to do anything when I get home. I go home, I get on my computer...and I play games or I talk to people online that I don't really know. I went to bed at 12 last night...I never go to bed before 12. I was so bleary I couldn't even say goodbye as I was on the phone. I tried to stay up though. Shaye was off at a movie and I can't help myself but stay up until she is home so I can make sure she is ok. I fell asleep sitting up in a chair. I woke up just in time to see her walk past my room. I'm so tired. I can't seem to get it out of my system. Everything tires me.

Money has become a major problem. I need a job but no job will take me while I'm in school with the stupid hours that I have. My parents are in a bind far worse than I've ever seen our family in. We have so many things to pay off that I don't even know where to start. Alot of them are for my behalf. I feel awful. We don't even have enough money to buy gas anymore. Just yesterday we stopped by a gas station and I put in one of these cards my mom had for me in case of emergencies...and it didn't have enough money in it to even get gas. This was just one more bad thing that was pileing up on my mom's list of bad things.

My room is a mess, my bathroom is a wreck, my house is a disaster. I hate it. I don't have the time to clean it (I don't have the time to play computer games either but I do it). I want to clean house soo bad but I just don't have the time. Tonight...I have to work. I have to work like a crazy man. There is SOO much I gotta get done for tomorrow. I have to ask my dad a bunch of questions and write something up on it so that I can speak in front of my class about it tomorrow. I gotta finish that stupid dog animation and make sure its ready to go by tomorrow, I gotta do thoughs 3 drawings, 2 life drawings and one self portrait, and I gotta get cracking on that 3-d homework for next week. I'm so screwed...

But then...that seems to be the trend these days...

I'm not going to get into these anymore. I'm tired...as always.

I'm bitter and sad and full of wrath right now so I'll refrain from saying more before I insult someone...

Evman.

2005-04-15T15:28:00.000-06:00

hmmm...nothing really to say right now...Shaye hates me :D

I know why...and though I don't agree with the reasoning...I can see why she might think it...

Confusing? Trust me..from here...it's way more confusing...

2005-04-13T13:37:00.000-06:00

Shit I've been thinking...oh the thinking I've done. LOTS AND LOTS of thinking...thing is...I'm still in the same place with the same problems and the same issues in my head. My thinking leaves me empty. I obviously don't know how to think very well. BUT! I do have an idea completly off topic...I'm going to start selling my artwork. Making prints and selling them for maybe 25 bucks or something. Bigger ones maybe I'll slap some 3 digits on..but I gotta make some big ones first. Sell prints and maybe even sell originals for a better price...I'll just start poopin stuff out and putting it next to my dad's stuff...see what happens...maybe I'll start selling em on the street. I know some places that kids hang around that might be interested and might have money...I'll go down to downtown, sit on a corner and sell my crap. Get mugged and die in an alley at the age of 21. HELL YEAH!

Evman...squirming and twisting in his own skin...

2005-04-13T08:40:00.000-06:00

It's amazeing really. REALLY it is...how much life changes in such a short amount of time. The crazy amounts of days in a person's life is mind bending. I have memories going back to when I could barely walk and barely talk. That wasn't that long ago...yet at the same time it was forever ago. As far as my life goes...it was a lifetime ago. My perspective on reality is so shallow and meaningless its laughable. But then who's life hasn't been? We get 70-100 top years on this wreck of a planet. Just 70 years!! THAT'S NOTHING considering that this place has been around for God only knows how long. To think that someday I'll be looking back on the best years of my life and wondering What the Fuck happened? Where did it all go? Where are my friends now? Where are my companions now? Who the hell cares about this old torn up vessal of a man? WHO WILL CARE?! I guess it doesn't matter now though. I have other things to worry about. I got a future to look forward too and when I get there I have a journey to look back on. Life is sooooo short. So rich with meaning and life and morals and judgements and sinning and winning and all that stuff. SOOO full of crap that we can never take it all in. And to think with all this stuff we learn as we grow up...that's just the beginning. Not even a scratch on the surface of reality and what it all means. We have our stories and our history...but we weren't there...and we won't be here when the next generation reads about us. They won't know. You can't write down the feeling that the Black Americans had when they got their freedom from the whites...you just can't write that kind of emotion down...you can touch the surface and you can make a man cry with your words...and your pictures...but you will never understand the power of what that ment to them..unless it happens to you. And then when they read about us? What will they say? What will they say about 9/11? Will they say it was the day America came down like a hammer on the powers of evil? or will they say it was like a americanized crusade full of ignorant basterds looking out for the rich to get richer. What will they say about me? Will I just be part of Generation Y? Or will I be something worth mentioning in my own right? It all comes down to nothing will be remembered in the end. Barney the big dumb purple dinasour will be forgotten, Mr. Rogers will be forgotten, when america and all it's freedoms burns to the ground...president Bush will be forgotten...George Washington will be forgotten even with his wooden smile face on every buck in america. All the things that matter to me all the people that matter to me we will all be forgotten in time. Why does that bother me so much. We live such a small life...we work hard and play hard and learn so much...but for what? Will I remember thoughs things in the afterlife? Who's to say I'll be anything worth mentioning there too? If EVERYONE in heaven is beautiful and amazeing...then no one is. Everyone just becomes copies. We become plastic perfect people and that doesn't leave much for personality. Just like an old car the more banged up and destroyed it becomes the better the personality of the car. I don't want some slick generic hot rod if everyone in the world has the same damn thing just different colors.

I don't know where I'm going with all this. I'm feeling restriced by my own exsistance. I feel like there is no where for me to go to escape the slavery of our own kind. We drive to work we drive home, we say hello to the kids, we make love to the wife, we sleep, and we repeat...What is there to learn from that? I'm here in college trying to look out for my future...but what the hell does that mean anyways? If I just keep looking out for the future...then I'll never actually live. I'll just be hopeing for tomorrow. It's just like they say...you live to prolong your life...it's stupid! What's the point of living if all you do is want to live more...so you just sit there plotting how to get to tomorrow and you never really realize what's there today.

I'm trapped between wanting a tomorrow and wanting a today.

I dunno...maybe I'm just rambling...a thousand things in my head at once and only two hands and 10 fingers to report them to you.

What to do what to do. I drive myself mad sometimes. I really know how to mess with my own head. These little voices in my head really know how to get to me. They seep into my thoughts and drive my mind to madening things. They just keep telling me shit till I believe it. They tell me lies until I can't remember what the truth is anymore. GRRRRRRRR!!!

I had an argument with myself of sorts yesterday. I was driving to levi's house to play some games...and I started arguing with myself about my position right now. There's alot of things I have to think about. One of the things I've argued myself to death about is how to treat Shaye now. I've become bitter and distant to her feelings. I feel detached from any emotion about the whole situation we are in. I've been trying to fight it. I know I've only made it worse though. The more I fight the more stupid shit I say and the more she dislikes me. So I've been argueing about just fucking it all completly and leaving her alone or to continue making an ass of myself trying to make things better. Maybe at some point I'll say something right...but then I get alot of greif for saying the wrong things over and over. Question of instant satisfaction over long term satisfaction...which will I choose...

I'm sorry if I'm bitter and full of want for pity. I'm sorry for that yes. Pity in one instance sounds very pleasing...but in the other I know that I would hate it. I do hate it.

Well I'm not looking for pity if that's what you think. I don't want nor do I need your pity. I can stand on my own two legs and defend myself. Sometimes when your backed aginst a corner by your own choices the only thing left to do is fight teeth gritting and fist tight. And I'm trying damn hard to fight. I'm trying not to be the helpless pityful thing that my body wants me to be. The body is weak. I hate the body. I hate everything that the body wants. The body always screams for the things that hurt the most. It wants thoughs instant pleasures that will only leave me feeling worse in the end. I hate it. Yet I give in. I am weak to it. No ones ever acused me of being an angel.

I doubt anyone ever will.

Can I be happy with anyone?

Evman

2005-04-12T08:35:00.001-06:00

Oh right...I have a blog. Well what to say? Lots are happening right now. I wouldn't have the energy to talk about all of them. I feel...interesting. I think I'm moving in a forward direction too fast. Must step back and coast a while. We'll see what happens. Maybe things are going better than I think.

2005-04-08T10:31:00.000-06:00

I...I don't know why...but I had to write down this script...if you've seen buzz bunny...the new cartoon..you'll get a kick out of it...if not WATCH NOW!!

http://www.csh.rit.edu/~rage/TLGmedia/anim_pages/anewbunny.htm

now the script

The New Bunny!
(With some dialogue blatantly stolen from my favorite Sexylosers character)

(Two kids walking in school or something)

Kid 1: So I was talking to Jen in class today, and she said that...

(Walk into Buzzed Bunny)

Kid 1: ...who are you?

Buzzed Bunny: IM BUZZED F*CKING BUNNY MOTHERF*CKER! (take that copyrights! yay fair use!)

Kid 2: Like Bugs Bun...

Buzzed Bunny: F*CK NO, B*TCH! THAT FAG IS F*CKING OLD AND RETARDED! YOU WANNA KNOW WHATS UP DOC? MY C*CK UP YOUR ASS!

Kid 1: What did you do to Bugs?

Buzzed Bunny: NO ONE WATCHED HIS SH*TTY MOVIE SO I KICKED THAT MOTHERF*CKERS ASS!

Kid 2: But we liked him!

Buzzed Bunny: SO WHAT YOU C*CKSUCKING FAGGOT? I'm EXTREME!!!!111 I'LL F*CK YOUR MOM IN THE ASS WITH A RAZOR D*LDO WHILE I'M ON A DRIVEBY IN A BUICK WITH A F*CKING MONKEY! YOU LIKE SH*T MOTHERF*CKER?!

Kid 1: You're not very fun...

Buzzed Bunny: OH YEAH? DOES THAT SH*T ASS C*CKSUCKER BUGS RESPOND TO TODAYS F*CKING YOUTH AND SH*T?

(pause)

Kid 2: Yes, he do...

Buzzed Bunny: F*CK NO ASSHOLE! I DO! YOU LIKE THAT INTERNET SH*T? ISNT IT F*CKING EXTREME!!!!111? IM EDGY AND I KICKASS AND IM FROM THE FUTURE AND I GOT MARTIAL ARTS AND EYELASERS AND SH*T! (Shoots something, explosion in background) DOES BUGS B*TCH HAVE ANY OF THAT SH*T? I DONT THINK SO MOTHERF*CKER!

Kid 1: I dont like you!

Buzzed Bunny: HELL YES YOU DO YOU BUTT F*CKING P*SSY! ILL F*CK YOUR STUPID C*NT SISTERS T*TS AND SHOVE SOME MEAT DOWN SOME F*CKING VEGANS THROAT THEN ILL SODOMIZE YOUR CHILDHOOD LIKE THE LITTLE B*TCH YOU ARE BECAUSE I'M EXTREME!!!!111

Kid 2: Yeah, bu...

Buzzed Bunny: YOU LIKE ANIME? IM ANIME ALL OVER SH*TBAG! ILL F*CK YUGIOH AND MAKE YOU BLEED WITH MY F*CKING RAZOR SHARP FUR! YOU LIKE RAZOR SH*T DONT YOU MOTHERF*CKER! YOUR F*CK IS SH*T D*CKASS!

Kid 1: A...

Buzzed Bunny: AND I GOT EXTREME!!!!111 MERCHANDISE! YOU LIKE THIS F*CKING ACTION FIGURE!

Action Figure: I'll f*ck your mom in the ass with a razor d*ldo!

Buzzed Bunny: YEAH! IT HAS BUTTONS INSTEAD OF THAT PULLSTRING BULLSH*T! AND IT HAS F*CKING EYELASERS AND SH*T! (action figure eyes start blinking) IT'S F*CK IS CONGRUOUS, ASS RAPER!

Kid 2: Bu...

Buzzed Bunny: AND CHECK THIS OUT! F*CKING EXTREME!!!!111 LOONATICS UNDERWEAR! THE ONLY F*CKING UNDERWEAR THAT WILL JERK YOU OFF WHILE YOU SHRED DOWN MOUNT EVEREST ON A PLANK WOOD WHILE A BUNCH OF PIRATES TRY TO CATCH YOU AND RAPE YOU IN THE ASS! CANT HANDLE THAT SH*T YOU F*CKING C*NT? TRY THIS SH*T! (pulls out a hat)

Kid 1: Wha...(pauses for a second) What does that do?

Buzzed Bunny: It keeps your head warm.

Kid 2: (pause)...oh, that's ni...

Buzzed Bunny: WHILE YOUR F*CKING YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN THE ASS AND THEN A F*CKTON OF NINJAS SHOW OFF AND YOU HAVE TO KICK THEIR ASS WITH YOUR GIGANTIC C*CK AND...

Kid 1: Alright, we get the damn point!

Buzzed Bunny: DAMN RIGHT MOTHERF*CKER!

(Long uncomfortable pause)

Buzzed Bunny: You guys got any crack?

Kid 2: I have some weed in my backpa...

Buzzed Bunny: HELL NO, WEED IS FOR FAGGOTY BUTTF*CKING P*SSIES LIKE YOU! I NEED CRACK CAUSE IT'S F*CKING EXTREME!!!!111

Kid 1: Alright, alright, I have a friend who's a coke fiend, he'll hook you up.

Buzzed Bunny: DAMN RIGHT MOTHERF*CKER! YOU WANT IT HARD AND DIRTY, DON'T YOU F*CKSL*T? YEAH, DONTCHA? GETTING DEEP IN YOUR C*MGUZZLING F*CKHOLE S*CKING MY P*SSY SAUCE. I'M GONNA SPEW MAN YOGURT ON YOUR F*CK UDDERS. TAKE IT C*NTWHACKER! GODDAMN GELLED YOU NIPPLESWELLS DRILLING YOUR C*CK CANYON WAS A F*CK JAMBOREE YOU J*ZZ HUNTING D*CK GLEAMER, SHOOTING SUCK IN REPRISAL! I CRACKED HER GASH BUG SL*TLICK GLOSSED SH*T IN REVERSE, ASSTYRANT! YOU F*CK COWS IN RETROSPECT!

(fade to black and credits roll as he's yelling)

I know I know...your thinking...how the hell is that funny? It's just alot of unreasonable cussing...but to hear that bunnies voice...and it's cencsored...unless you dont' want it to be...which I can give the link to that too...but I won't...

I'll be useing some of thoughs lines for something....you just gotta...they are so...wrong...

2005-04-07T12:03:00.000-06:00

Man...I never thought it was possible...But I'm actually bored with the internet. I've been up and down and all around this thing for god knows how long and I'm done with it. It's an old story to me. Yeah I know...its "ever changing" but you know...not that much changes...just the same ol shit new flash animation at the top of it. That's it. I spend so much friggin time on here it's not even funny. Want to know where I spend most my time? I spend it talking. Chatting on here, chatting on my clan site which I do love very very much www.wtfnation.com, I spend it chatting on msn, through emails, in chat rooms, on random forums, artists sites, gameing sites, EVEN FRIGGIN ANIME SITES!!! I Don't EVEN CARE FOR ANIME THAT MUCH!!!...yet there I go...talking and jabbering as if I was raised up with it.

I'm ready to start living a life that doesn't evolve around the net. It's so hard to do though. I'll still post here. I'll still chat...and in fact...I see a great amount of chatting I shall be doing in the near future. But I'm going to start going outside from time to time. I sometimes forget that the whole world isn't a 2-d screen. There is so much depth out there so much I need to see and do. I'm such a lazy bum. This quarter is going to force me to be infront of a computer most of the day...but then...that's how my job will be too. This is the last real week I have where I have free time. And I waste it doing just what I would be doing if I were working...staring at this screen of DEATH ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!

More stuff. I've met the most delightful person. The past few weeks I haven't really been able to talk to anyone...the recent events have left me feeling uncomfortable around my friends...I can't explain why but I feel very outside the circle right now. I feel detached. Sometimes...it helps to have someone you don't really know talk to you...I don't know how that works but it does. This girl I met one day at the Medival fair has been talking to me. It's really helped me kinda get through these hard times. I can say things withen our conversations that I don't think I would be comfortable telling someone I knew...as weird as that might sound. I've been spending alot of time talking and chatting. She's an artists like me so we have plenty to talk about. She even is getting into some 3-d animation this next year. Interesting stuff. It's nice to find people that have something in common with you. I think maybe it's the break-up shock talking...but I feel very alone right now. I feel like nothing I say and nothing I do will amount to anything of any value...and my walk through life will be unoticed. There is one thing I fear over all others...I don't want to be forgotten. That's one of the things that scares me the most about death. I just don't want to be lost in history like everyone else. I want to be a name kids will hear about in books. I want to be a name you know like Captain Hook, Peter Pan, Sherlock Holmes, Mario and Luigi, Batman, and the boogie man. (Note that all of thoughs are characters that are fictional...interesting) I want to go through the ages...because if there is no after life...the only place you'll still live is through the memories of others. If there is a heaven...then we'll all be remembered in the end...but I'm not taking any chances I want to be remembered with the living. I dunno...just a weird thing...I got thinking about it...

People keep saying that I'm really growing up...turning into an adult...taking new shape...

I wonder why I still feel like a frightened little kid all the time...

Evman.

2005-04-06T08:26:00.000-06:00

True friends stand by you even when your wrong. I have very few friends I'd admitly stand by if they were. Thus...I'm not a very good friend. Disposable_Hero...you'd be one of thoughs people I'd stand by. Not that your wrong. In fact your very right. If it's true and I AM the bad guy right now. That's ok with me. Honestly I don't give a flying fruitcake if I am or not. I'm just glad I've gotten everything out and in the open. And I even said how it would be wrong of me to NOT come out and say how I feel instead of lieing and going on unhappy. In the long run...I think they will come to thank me. But for now I will be the bad guy if need be. Again...these are the days I simply coast through. I ride the waves of termoil and eventually the waters will calm again. Until then...I'm just holding on.

2005-04-05T22:23:00.000-06:00

I'm not going to get into it. I don't have the energy nor the state of mind to give you every detail nor every thought running through this brain of mine. All I can say on the matter is yes. Shaye and I are no longer together. It's not a time apart. We are not agreeing to get back together. And I'm not going to raise any hopes of it. We are seperate beings again. For me to explain it to you would take too long but it simply wasn't working out for me. I have alot of things going on right now that need my attention and I have alot of things in my head that need to be figured out before I consider getting into a long term commitment like that. I need space. And so here we are. It hasn't been easy for Shaye to take and for that I'm very sorry. But I have to follow what I feel. I can't deny the feelings inside nor what they say. This all comes at a very strange time and yes...it was abrupt. Though I didn't want to admit it, nor believe it, I think I've known for a while now. Things are still grey here and we are all trying to figure out what's going on. But one thing is for sure, me and Shaye are in fact broken up. That's all I have to say on the matter at this time.

(Why does that all sound like a speech from the president or something...)

No no it couldn't of been from the president I didn't make any words like, "Exactimation" or "Percentation of the Waration in the Middle Eastern Countries is lookin' good on the half of our benifit..."

Anyways...

The only other thing I can possibly talk about right now is possibly the feelings inside of me and maybe...school...I'll go with the top on...

My feelings on everything going on are defensivly hopeful of optimism. I'm not happy...but I'm not sad either. Yes...the things going around me do hurt. But something down deep is saying "yes" while everyone else says "no." I trust my inner feeling. I must do what feels right and comfortable to me. I feel like a backstabber...and I probably deserve that. The things I've done in the past few days are not right. I went about telling my feelings all wrong. I acted just as I felt though...confused. That's no excuse for my actions and for that I'm sorry. I never ment to hurt anyone...yet I always do. There is no escape from touching others when I squirm around amongst the piles of people all around me. It's the way the human race goes. No one has ever gone through life without effecting at least one other person...just being born is an act of effecting others. Sometimes I wish I could just not exsist...or be a ghost or something. Never really effecting the lives of others...but just watching. I know that in the end I'll be glad I've touched others. I've done alot of wrong...but I've done some right too. I just wish my mind would allow me to remember some of the good times amongst all the bad. I have selective memory...and it only remembers the bad. And they are complete with all the pain and suffering of when they first happened. I think that's part of the reason I have such a hard time getting over things. The memory stays so sharp in my mind it takes me a while to become numb of it.

Alot of people have comforted Shaye. This is good she needs it. I on the other hand...feel a little neglected...I haven't really heard anything from anyone...but then I Guess that's what happens when you are the one to activate a break up. I automaticaly become the bad guy. Maybe I am the bad guy. Somehow I'm ok with that. I'd rather be the bad guy than someone else. I'll take the blame. But then I haven't really shown my pain the same as Shaye. Shaye is open with her emotions right now. She expresses them to others. I haven't been able to do that. I don't really feel much right now. I feel relief...of sorts. I guess that's probably because I finally got alot of things off my chest before we broke up. I said alot of things that have been nawing on me. Alot of pains I've been careing around for no reason. I guess the relief comes from finally being honest with myself about it. I feel like I've finally got things off my back and can start fresh. I'm not completly numb to the hurt though. This break up comes to a suprise to everyone including myself. (I guess I do have the energy to talk about this...) I do hurt. I don't think it's really sinked in though. I feel very distant right now. We'll see what happens I guess. Levi has been about the only person I've talked to since its all happened. And I've only talked to him about it in very small bursts. I guess right now you could say I'm just living. I'm moving through the patterns of life...doing the routine as usual...just surviving on the least amount of emotional energy I can.

We'll see what happens.

I look forward to the future...with my defensive hope for optimism...

ev

2005-04-04T01:00:00.000-06:00

and just like that...it's over.
My weekend, my spring break, my medival fair, my love.

2005-03-27T03:12:00.000-07:00

I'm running out of excuses for my evil nature...

But Knowing your a sinner is half the battle right? Well...what if you recognize it...but do nothing about it?

It seems so hopeless sometimes. Like no matter how good I am dureing the day I will always do something bad...always...

Course there are some days, like today, where honestly I'd have a hard time telling you I did one thing "good" and "moral."

I used to think myself a moral man...but oh...I am so mistaken. I'm moral in certain areas and not moral in others...which means I might as well not be moral at all.

I'm so ugly...

I feel unoriginal these days...it seems all around me are the trends and sterotypes I wish not be. I feel like I'm just another copy of the human race...an insigificant clone running around being the usual american consumer.

The White Trash Blue Eyed Blonde Hair Jesus Lovin' Inbred American.

I got a complament though...last thursday...I dunno if I mentioned it. This kid I know was talking to me and I said something about a song that I liked but didn't agree with the lyrics...I went into it a bit and some thing about how I am christian. He turned around and stared at me for a second and said..."You know...your a complex person in a good way...you're like an unanswerable question..."
Well I had him explain because...honestly it didn't sound like a complament at first...but he went on to say that I'm a pretty deep person and that I don't seem to fit in with the crowd...I had to smile about this...

If only it were true...

I guess I have somewhat of an unusual look. But it's hardly original..what look is...new looks always become old looks and so the person who wants to stay on top must always be changing with the times. Honestly...I don't really care to change...even when this trend is gone I'll probably still be wearing the same old shirts the same scraped up pants that I always do.

I really need to stop focusing so much of my attention of what I wear...or what anyone wears...

Another thing I've noticed that I wish to stop...I have a tendency to be a moocher. Not so obvious as maybe my friend Randy...who walks into your house and just welcomes himself to your food...sometimes I feel the same way about Josh...or at least I used to he seems to ask more now which is nice. Josh your doing very well...we might make a respectable adult out of you yet :P

He probably won't even read this he hasn't in a while I don't think.

But I'm a moocher...I ever so delicatly find ways to make things work out in my benifit. I slither around and look for things to keep me buisy. If anyone says that they don't want something...I'm always the first to say I'll take it...If anyone ever even hints that something doesn't taste just the way the want it..I'll graciously take it from their hands. I guess that goes more along the lines of the opertunist. I bound on anything that is free.

Ah...greed...We have so much in common you and I. You are a money lusting power hungry beast...I am a middle class american...it's a match made in heaven.

Heaven...that's a word I've been hearing alot of lately. In fact the idea of choosing heaven or hell seems to come up quite a bit lately. From the movies, tv shows, radio shows, posters, commercials, to just everyday people talking...it's even effected my comics.

I'm currently in the making of a comic called OF Devils and Men where a devil from hell goes to earth to be as a human for a certain amount of time. Think of it as a foreign exchange with hell...just...the human family doesn't know the demon is a demon...or from hell...they just think its a funny little foreign kid.

I'm on break. I have a whole week to do nothing. So far...nothing is working out just fine. I've been keeping buisy taking care of my sick bubbles (AKA Shaye).

well I'd love to write more..but...wait...no I don't...I Want to go to bed..

See ya suckers...
Evman

Ok so your not really suckers that was wrong of me to asume you suck...such a bland and incorrect statement...no one can literaly suck...except for maybe a straw or something...the whole sucking thing is such a deragotive phrase. with such a vulgar uneccesary implication...*continues blabbering into the distance*

2005-03-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

Wow the amount of (or should I say lack there of) comments really brings a tear to my eye and a warm spot in my heart...but that might be heartburn.

That's ok though...I forgive you...because I'm on a diet...

A diet of giving a rat's ass...

Today is my last day of school and yes...I'm sick and tired of being here...and I've only been here for about 45 minutes...but that's ok because most of it was spent sitting in the bathroom listening to my organs reject themselves out my ass. I'll save you the details...let's just say it wasn't fun

The drive here was interesting. I followed my mom in the van as she took me down some "Short cut" because the I35 was packed with thousands of very unhappy people waiting to pass some fender bender.

It wasn't plesent...well for them...the trip to school was nice though...her way is very complex and I'm not sure how to do it again...but it was nice.

She gave me a starbucks coffee and a turkey sandwhich (BEST SANDWICHES EVER) to celebrate me getting over this rediculous quarter. As of right now though...I got 2 finals to finish before 6 and then another final from 6-10...and then maybe more finals...I dunno I hope not...

I'm feeling pretty stressed out you might say...and thus I come on here procrastinating more and doing less while all the same making myself MORE stressed out trying to make myself less so.

G'TIMES!!!

I'm actually in a pretty ok mood...I just feel bitchy and complainy..I'll get over it...eventually.

It'll be nice to have 10 days off to do as I please...I'd like to say I'm just going to lay around and make sure my time off drags on for as long as possible...but I gotta work for my dad...which means money in my pockets which is nice but it's not exactly relaxing. Just kinda tedious really...but I don't mind working for my dad...he's my dad...I love tha guy how can I say no to that cute bearded face.

for everyone who hasn't seen it you all must look up "A New Bunny" It's about Buzz Bunny...the coolest bunny ever....CAUSE HE'S EXTREEEEEEEEEME!!!!

Really funny..just...be careful...it's probably for ages 15+...and don't show your parents...

It's not full of nudity or anything...just...ridiculous language issues...

I found out why I dislike Anime more than any other style. The artwork itself is pretty good when done correctly...which is seldomly is...The real reason I dispise anime is because of the real lack of honor or dignity involved in it. There is so much shittie pornographic anime that it should be illegal...I dunno the whole let's-see-how-many-panty-shots-we-can-fit-in-one-movie thing gets on my nerves...

Also the complete lack of story line in some are pretty sad...even Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had a plot...what the hell is this crap?

Man like woman's panties...fights war...gets beat up...becomes more powerful than god for no reason at all...blows hole in earth after 46 episodes of really dumb talking...robots shoot from sky to assist evil guy who came from no where...girls get naked....more girls get naked...some guys get naked too but they look enough like girls that no one cares...bad guy shoots a laser from his penis creating tentical monsters that start rapeing everything in sight...why?...because the bad guy is a real perve...and has some sort of sperm mutation that isn't healthy...more panty shots...MORE ROBOTS NOW WITH BIGGER FLASHING LIGHTS...a small cat says "Meow" and looks cute...a big farking gun is givin to the good guy but he breaks it over is head...makes a constipated face and starts shooting balls of "energy" from his forhead

OH NO NOW THERE ARE ANIME PIRATES flying through the air on seahorse half breed tentical monster who are still rapeing women with really tight panties!!! Shit now there is a robot with tenticals...then there is this scene with a taxi cab and the cat jumps out of no where and goes "Meow" again! Awww...it's cute...BUT OH SHIT NOW IT'S A TENTICAL MONSTER!!!

Then there are these two guys kissing...why...because chicks that watch anime really like that for some reason...they look like girls so some guys half to hide that their turned on too...

NOW A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE POOPS OUT OF NO WHERE...

you know he's bad ass because his hair is always in his eyes...yet he somehow fights with a sword 4 times his size and thicker than a bus with one had AND manages to see the enemy. Some buff guy gets cut in half only to find out he had no purpose in the story was just some really fat inocent by-stander...

More PANTY SHOTS!!

A really ridiculously over "cool" vampire pirate robot controling half elf with a crossbow sword that shoots laser crossbows that shoot lasers with arrows attached to them comes in and says alot of one liners that make all the women, and some men, in the audience orgasm every time...

More panty shots More PANTY SHOTS!! More PANTY SHOTS!! More PANTY SHOTS!! and some chick goes "I HAVE NO POINT IN THIS STORY BUT I JUST TURNED 18 EVEN THOUH I LOOK LIKE A 4 YEAR OLD WITH LONG LEGS AND I ALWAYS WELL WITH THIS HIGH SQUEELY VOICE THAT MAKES DOGS CRY AND I HAVE A SKIRT...SOMEWHERE BUT I THINK I LOST IT UNDER MY BELT WITH KEEPS MY TIGHT PANTIES ON...OOPS MY BELT FELL OFF AND NOW I'M NAKED FOR NO REASON AND MUSHROOMS POP UP ABOVE MY HEAD AND BIG WAVEY BLUE LINES FALL DOWN MY HUGE EYES WHICH I GUESS MEANS I'M SHROOMING AND CRYING RIVERS OF WATER AND MY MOUTH GETS REAL BIG AND I FALL OVER REAL FAST AND START CRYING AND SOME COOL GUY WILL MAKE A SMART COMMENT ON MY NAKEDNESS...I GUESS THE ONLY POINT OF MY CHARACTER IS-OH GOD A TENTICAL MONSTER NOOOOOOOO!!!" (Scene Deleted because of stupid random sexual disgustingness)

THEN there is this robot ...which isn't a robot...but actually a tin can that has some really bitchy agnsty teen in it who turns out to be the main hero and the actual story starts and all that shit that went on a minute ago (yeah that all happened in about 1 minute and 26 seconds) was a dream and so the actual "story starts" which basically in the same thing..but in slow motion..and with flashy backgrounds...and more mushrooms...and more panties...but less robots...and more tenticals..

MANGA?....oh don't get me started!

That farking Bezerk comic is disgusting...I've tried so hard to read thoughs...and I'm sorry I can only take so many random pointless nude shots while at the same time looking at acid trip monster get hard and screw them...

Sex = cheesy

And yes...Bezerk is cheesy...

It's got so much cheese in it you could make a cheese casarol with some cheese buritos and a cheese taco platter for 2.

You might even have a little more cheese to top off your desert with...

COWS envy the amount of cheese that comic makes...

COWS!!!

Ok well enough bitching about anime...SOME anime is ok...THERE ARE A FEW anime cartoons that are truely inspirational and worth watching...but I haven't seen a single one WITHOUT panty shots...not ONE.

OH..oh...and what's even lower...and more sickening then all of it combined?....furries...

Thoughs damn half breed human cat people...THAT is sick...

*shivers*...AGH....the fact that people find that more attractive than normal naked anime girls...is even more revolting...

I find nothing attractive about a dog...

even a half breed dog woman...she would still be...a dog...

On the nerd Hiarchy people that watch or make furry porn are at the very bottem...even below magic players...even below...Yu-Gi-OH players...*shivers*

<----SUCKS!

so until next time...this is Evman...mad and complaining...

2005-03-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

I don't really feel like writting much today. I have alot of work to get done by tomorrow. It'll be hectic the next 2 days. Tomorrow will be the worst. Today though I need to get some serious work together and really start crackin. Finals are up and I'm getting behind. That's ok...it seems I'm not alone.

I fear my artistic ability isn't good enough here...I wonder if I'm right...

2005-03-21T12:55:00.000-07:00

It's sad when you type your name in some random search engine and you only get 15 pages of some obsessed fat lady taking pictures of her dog...

Someday my name will be known and then I'LL own cyber space. Evman shall shriek through the electronic streets screaming and spitting on all that lay below it. HA HA HA!!

But for now my name is distastefully displayed on thousands of dog pictures...over and over and over...it should be aginst the law...

Oh well...that dog's day is comming...oh...the comming of that day...

Not much to report. I got done with my first final in little under 15 minutes into class...and my mom won't pick up the phone...so I'm stuck here until further notice...

Not such a bad thing...I should be doing work...BUT...I'm not...I'm lazy and dumb and want to waste time writting about nothing...

I started singing a song in the shower this morning...I can't remember all the words now but one of the big phrases was "Souls of the Wind."

let me see if I can ring it back up...

Souls in the Wind
We are Souls in the wind,
Ever Trying ever Dying,
We are victoms of ourselves,
Gusts shove us running,
Keep on moving
Souls in the wind.

We lose ourselves in each others misery
We are the threat we are the killers
Eating each other with our desires
Stoning the one who helps the other

Our souls are trapped in wind and fire
We blow them higher and higher
Screams of burning desire
And the wind keeps blowing harder

Souls in the wind
We all keep fighting aginst the wind
But we're the threat, we're the killers
We live our flighty lives of sin

The death of millions is just a number
Souls seep higher and higher
But we all fall with burning desire
Of wind and fire

Blowing our burning desire...

Higher...

Higher...

higher...

I dunno where I was going with it...just kinda sounded cool...NOT BAD for no thought what so ever put into it...maybe later I'll fix it up and make it something no?

Ok well I'm oughta here...gonna...spend...time...doing...nothing...YAY....er...ahem..

Evman

2005-03-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

I guess I should probably update and tell you how things are going shouldn't I...
Leaving you on such a negative note for so long was rather rude of me. Well I'm glad to say that things have smoothed over some. Me and Shaye are smileing again and it seems the nasty things have gone away. It was one of our first fights. But now it's over and all is happy sweet lucky fun again.

I'm going to a song music band thing tonight. Should be fun.

Well just wanted to say that things are fine...and not so shittie.

2005-03-17T02:54:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in my jammies and cow socks tonight trying to keep warm while eating fruity pebble cereal and making typos in the dark. As humerous as this all seems...I'm in the lowest mood I've been in in a long time...

The recent things going on lately have really hit me hard. It's funny how no matter how long and how far away Karma kicks your ass in the end. Well it's kickin tonight. And I have a feeling it'll keep on kicking until things are set right. The past few weeks have been a mirrored reflection of my past life. I say mirrored because everyone is still here but they are all sitting in different seats. I'm stuck being the cold emotionless one and I don't like it any better than being the one who begs and pleads. I'm so lost right now. I'm lost for words, I'm lost for emotion, I'm lost in life. It's really really funny how the whole world seems to crash into you when your down. Your mind starts reeling through all the memories of painful times like some sick freak show caught on tape and your stuck feeling more and more like a retard for falling into it again. Please tell me this is just a phase.

The thoughts running through my mind are to say the least painful to think about. They would be even more painful to go through with and I don't think I have the bladder control to do it. But...maybe I should start from the beginning...

To fully understand how this all started, let me begin with an ending to something I never fully understood. My last relationship was an utter failure. Things were going so well for so long I never would of thought it would come to such an obrubt and pityfull end. She stopped loving me. We had been arguing for many weeks, maybe even months. I blame myself for it mostly. I couldn't seem to find happiness. I couldn't seem to find the trust anymore. I became controling and paranoid that at every turn she was doing something to spite me. We argued almost every night. It really came to an end after she got back from a few days at a live concert. I was at home thoughs days...just...brewing in sick and twisted ideas of what was going on. My head was spinning with pain and anger. When she returned I exploded on her with no reason. God she even gave me the drum stick she caught there. Even if nothing happened I was so prepared and anticipating something that I couldn't stop myself from exploding into a fit of rage. My heart had torn and torn again for no reason at all. In are arguments more things arose that only tore at me further and finally, she dumped me. I don't blame her for it. I was sick, mentaly sick. I still feel the burn of thoughs last days. But oh...I didn't just end it there. We had to drag me through the streets first. I begged and pleaded for her not to lead me. Tears running down my face, I gritted my teeth and prayed, pleaded, and cried for her to stay. Though I met deaf ears. She seemed so distant...like she was a million miles away (which ironicaly she was quite a distance away). Like I was talking to her through an ocean. All she saw were bubbles simply drifting to the surface as I sunk lower and lower into the darkness. I still wonder sometimes if she completly just emptied any pity or emotion for me. I wish I could do the same.

The shame involved was too much for me and I shoved it deep inside me leaving it to bubble and boil and I became very...dead. I've been cold ever since. My emotions have been kept at a certain distance away from me. But now I'm in another pickle. I've let these emotions get close again...and here I am...again...arguing with myself over what to do. I don't know if I can repeat this process again.

Now like I said this is a mirrored experience of sorts. It seems now I'm the one watching bubbles in the deep dark sea while my love screams for attention. And yet...I do not answer. I feel so very empty. So very very empty. In all honesty I feel distant. That's the best way I can describe it. I'm far away watching my actions from a nice comfy hammock. I just can't get myself to care enough to take action. My emotions still seem weak and drousy from the slumber I took after the bloodshed of the last one.

But yet here I am...in the battle again. I don't know which side will win.

What am I to do? I push futher away to escape from the rules and reasoning which controls me only this makes her push for more rules and control. It's all spinning out of control. I don't want to be told what to do so I push away, she tries to control so that I won't push away, which only makes me push away more.

I've thought about taking a break from all this. I got alot to think about. I have lots of things on my mind these days and maybe this just isn't a good time to be dateing. But I hate breaks. That's the other thing that really tore at me my last relationship...we didn't "Break up" We just "Broke" for a while...yeah...a while. The act of false hope really is a nice thing to do for your recently detached partner. I haven't seen many breaks actually work. They usually are a wimps way out of just flat out saying, "Let's break up."

I don't want to break up with her. I really and truely love her. But this kind of stress really isn't what I need right now. I really don't need to feel guilty every time I step out of the house without her. I could do without all the drama right now I got bigger things to worry about right now. For instance grades. I really want to make this college thing work and I don't have the patience to deal with a girlfriend and my homework...one always gets neglected. And as sick as this may sound I really put priority on the homework. My grades are final we have our life time to make up for it. But I'm not excusing my actions. I have spent alot of time playing games and doing hang out stuff with guys. And I'll explain why. I don't feel like being a boyfriend right now. I feel like being a guy. I feel like just hanging with the guys. It's low key, it's basic, it's easy. For some reason that just appeales to me more than anything right now. I feel like being a guy for a while.

I don't want to feel like I'm a bad guy for wanting some male time. I don't want to feel guilty for simply going out with friends and hanging. I don't want to argue every time I leave your sight. That's not fun. That's not a healthy relationship. You haveing to order me to make time for you and laying down your laws will not make me want to anymore than before.

I feel like your sophicating me. I can't breathe I can't think I can't do anything without feeling like I have to have promition. I don't like that. It makes me want to just storm out of the house and have a good time dispite your stare, and your glare, and your not talking to me.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

I'm disgusted. I'm sick. I'm heartless and heartbroken all at the same time. I'm argueing and snarling at myself for ever writting this stupid shit down.

But mostly I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not spending time with you. I'm sorry I can't be everything you hoped and dreamed about. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I'm a rebel and refuse to do what you say. I'm sorry for being such an asshole. I'm sorry that your stressed. I'm sorry I can't make you smile anymore.

I'm sorry.

I still love you and I don't want to break up with you.
Now and Forever and I mean it. I want this to work, but...we need something.
Cause this is driving me insane.

Feeling weak and pethetic all over again,
Evman

2005-03-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

A serious actor who takes acting seriously.

So yeah. My last post was posted TIMES 3!!!!

this one will probably only be posted once...which was the trend at the time.

Back in my day we didn't have scraficial circles..they were squares. And we didn't call them sacrificlal circles we call em Tod's Ear. So you commonly hear people saying "Let's go Pickle-" Pickle was a word we commonly used for murder which was the trend of the time, "Let's go Pickle a Finger-" Which was a word we commonly used for small babies, it was the trend of the time...so we'd say "Let's go Pickle a Finger in Tod's Ear." And we'd draw a square out of sawdust, which was the trend of the time...

Ok THE END!

2005-03-12T19:41:00.002-07:00

I guess I'm not in enough pain to really complain. Obviously so. So I'll refrain from continueing my long tedious bitch spells.

A name was spoken twice today, one by myself, and second by my mother which brings me much pain. I feel very frustrated. Everytime I hear that name I just want to break something. We were so close...what the hell happened? Now I can't even look at the kid without feeling a knife in my back..

but did he even really back stab me? Not really...

I'm just bitter. Bitter and vengeful. I dunno I just like that word...vengeful...I don't think I'm spelling that right...but all the same...VeingeaffuLe.

yes...

So I'm going to the movies now with real friends. Yeah...not you. HA I'm kidding your my real friend too...unless I don't know you..then..well...I have no feelings on the matter...But hello...new guy...or girl...

Ahem...

Wow ok then. WELL...I guess it's time I hit the ol' dusty trail...*cough cough*...

man I'm stupid

Ev

2005-03-12T19:41:00.001-07:00

2005-03-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

2005-03-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

AH HA! I've got it. All this stress and work is perfect for turning into one of thoughs "postal" art students...yeah yeah and I could totally go with that whole axe murdererererer thing. It's in my blood. Somewhere down the line the Bradfords have quite a tendency to be axe murdererererers. MUAHAHAHAHAAHA!! It's so perfect...get stressed out...work all the time...start screaming at people that arn't there...go to some gas station to get some jerky grease sticks...find out their all out...and axe murder everyone in the place...BUT DON'T STOP THERE...axe the cops that come, take one of their cars and go to the prison and axe murder all the prisoners, then head over to the kfc and axe murder the man who makes that shit that makes me sick every time I eat there...and then I'll head over to the local space ship site and axe murder everyone and fly to some far off world and axe murder all the aliens I find. HAHAHAHA!...

ok so I won't be axe murdering anyone. Taking out aliens doesn't sound too bad though. And I mean aliens from other planets...not the one's from across the boarder...some of them are very nice people. Though at the same time alot of them are assholes...but I can say the same about the people already living here.

Like axe murderers. They are assholes...

So I was going to get up and go to school early today to get some work done...turns out I have no clothes...so for the last 4 hours I've been trying to get some clean clothes...Ok so for the last hour. But still!!

So much for going early. I'll probably just get there on time. That's ok though I'm going to a game night tonight and that should ease my suffering.

I say that Excorsist: The Beginning movie. It was pretty good. I wouldn't call it the greatestestest movie on the planet..because I wouldn't ever call any movie that. But it was well worth seeing. Seeing it by myself I actually got scared some parts...but I'm easily scared...by myself.

I had a conversation with my toilet last night. It was interesting. I had no idea my toilet had an Ukranian accent. Good stuff. Deep conversation let me tell you.

Got me thinking...

I had this dream about unborn children becoming my minions. For every unborn child I create...it turns into a little baby with sharp claws and jagged teeth and would do my bidings...It was fun. I eventually took over the world with my little babies and became the first King of the world. I enslaved the human race to mining for magma deep in the earth's core from which I created a giant bridge to the moon causeing it to be stationary. I then created this giant highway for my babies to go back and forth from the moon and from the moon I collected all these old toys from WWI. Why they were on the moon...I Dunno...but they were. God thoughs babies were weird looking.

They were even worse looking when they were about to die...

Yeah...

They had a certain life span...being unborn mutant babies...so after a while they started to literally rot while still alive. It was...disturbing..though they didn't seem to mind. Their lives were short but...at least they helped me become king...

Ok so I have absolutly nothing else to say. HAVE FUN!

Eat cheese..

and be the way mama told you to be...

Because when mama aint happy aint NOBODY happy.

EV

2005-03-10T21:09:00.000-07:00

So I got the ass end of driving today. This guy was driving like a moron honking his stupid little horn and over all being an ass. He cut me off and I honked at him so he slammed on his breaks right in front of me. I manuvered out of the way and managed to get in front of him which probably didn't make him any happier. So he cut me off again, honked his horn, and then sped off into the distance in the HOV lane. I stayed cool and didn't try to make anything worse. The greatest thing happened though. About 25 minutes down the road I see these flashing lights. As I pass by...guess who got pulled over...The asshole. Not only did they get pulled over...but they were out of their car and stuck in the back seat of the cop car. I laughed and laughed and laughed. KARMA IS A BITCH!

They diserved it farkers...

Anyways...What's new? Absolutly nothing. Today is one of my first real...free days. Yeah...it's after 10...but I do have some free time...you know what I'm going to do?...mostly work. I'ma wash clothes...clean stuff...maybe do some drawings that need to be done. SOOOO...fun.

Levi came over today...yeah...sorry Levi...free time isn't something I have alot of. I spent the whole time drawing. Which I got a good grade on which is nice. I'm makeing an 88.15 B+ in my class...which is good...because the teacher hates me. BRB...mother calls.

Well ok then.

So...what to talk about. I'll talk about what I did in class...it wasn't very interesting..but I'll throw in some excitment...even if it didn't really happen.

So I got there late as usual. The door was locked and that can only mean one thing...nude modeling. So I knocked and the teacher came to the door looking her usual angry self and I walked in. I was right of course...there was a model. This older chick I've never seen before. So I took my usual place next to my friends, Ben, Bryce, and Phillip. We've been draing in charcoal all quarter...and if you've ever worked with charcoal...your immediate reaction is to hate it. It's dirty, messy, inaccurate, and you have work the way the charcoal wants you to. But after working with it longer, yes...I still hate it...but I've learned to use it at least. We were to draw the model in a couple different positions around the room. For two you get a passing grade, for 3 you get extra credit, for 4 you get a little more, for 5 you need to just stop, and for 6 you have no life. I did 4. Well...I did 3 good ones...and the fourth one I half assed. I didn't even show it to her. BUT...it was ok.

Woo...what an exciting day.

I'm going to stop there before I bore you all to tears.

...

...

...

Yesterday I bawled my eyes out on the road listening to this song off the Queen of the Damned CD. Yeah...I know that sounds weird but one of the songs on there means alot to me...and I'm not sure why.

God the feelings I've had lately have been nasty. I've been haveing a real rollercoaster of a time. I can't seem a good balance of work and play. I just can't. I need to be rich so I do nothing but lay around and be me. This work thing is stupid and I hate it. I hate haveing due dates, and schedules, and time periods, and quarters, and time tables, and blah blah blah...I want ME time...all the time...yeah and you know what I want to be selfish that way because at least then I would be happy. BUUUT...I can't.

Oh well life goes on.

so until next time...

Go NASCAR racin' Gun Totin Jesus...

Ev

2005-03-09T14:00:00.005-07:00

So I've been doing alot of videos lately. Two days ago I was a kick ass zombie...make-up down by your's truely. Yesterday I did my video which was a big success. Today...I get to edit mine...I hope...

Ok so let's see what's been happening lately...

I've been working...working working working

I have no life.

I haven't made it home before 11 every night. just...working...acting...filming...doing things for people...stressing out...good times..

But I'm haveing fun.

Nothing to report and not much time to talk about it...so BYE!!!

2005-03-09T14:00:00.004-07:00

2005-03-09T14:00:00.003-07:00

2005-03-09T14:00:00.002-07:00

2005-03-09T14:00:00.001-07:00

2005-03-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

then there are days where I truely feel loved...

I wish this was one of them...

I can't help but notice the lack of traffic through the blog world these days. I can't say I blame you...I haven't updated in ages. But now that I have it seems the news gets around rather slowly.

No matter.

Last night I stayed up till the wee hours chatting online. I haven't done something like that in ages. Not since I stopped dateing Jessica. For all of you who don't know how long ago that was...it was a long time ago...so there. I can't say it was a beautiful reunion. The chat world hasn't changed a bit. Same stupid advertisments same stupid desperation. No one wanted to simply chat. To simply...say hi how are you...just...

26/m/nd looking for a hot sexy monkey to scratch my ass

18/f/dc blue eyes and black heart acting like a female to get other men's attention...IM me.

31/2.m.co anyone want to talk to a horny baby with a diaper rash give me a call.

GAH! It's revolting. I did happen to notice a few nice people...at first I was really trying to be nice and chat...but eventually reverted to simply being a sarcastic asshole just to get the horny five year olds to leave me alone.

I was listening to some good music which was nice.

It was nastalgic...in a very sad and lonesome way...thoughs were very sad times...It burns to think of them.

But I can't help it.

I came across some pictures today that I nearly forgot about. Memories came flashing back. It was a sickly good and heart breaking bad kinda feeling. I would dispose of the pictures...but I can't will myself to destroy my past. Even though it would no doubt free me of needles pain and sufferings. I have this sick fetish of holding on to thoughs things that make me cry at night.

One of thoughs...every time I hear your name I die a little inside...ordeals.

Today was frantic. Everything went wrong. I couldn't find stuff for school for a project I was already late for. My room is a mess. I got to school with money which I got from my parents to pay for another tape which I was missing and it turns out the store is closed on Saturdays. We preped for our video got everything organized...and the camera rent from the college was closing in 10 minutes by the time we got our video ready...so it was all in vein. I went home...had a steak...played with pumpkin...and feel a little better.

It was my mom's birthday and we had cake which was delicious...so not all was bad.

now I must clean my room while listening to sad music...I'm depressed and intend on taking every step neccesary to stay that way. I want to be dramatic and over act. I want to fling myself around my room and so WOH IS ME! and cry till my eyes burn and scream till my loungs fall out and huddle in some dark dank corner full of cracks and dirt just like my heart and soul!!!

So I feel like being dramatic WHAT OF IT?!

your probably not listening anyways.

Ev

2005-03-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

I had a amazeing little idea amongst sleeping in another person's bed at a sleep over. Yes...I was trying to sleep and my mind kept going over these nasty things in my past and I came to an interesting little imagery for the anatomy of a man.

Interesting enough it works for women too...but...you'll have to rename things.

damn it...I must relocate...brb.

ok a good hour later...let's have some diologue.

L: I know. Your silence signifies that you understand. So you realize now what I really am do you not?

P: You've been useing S as bait...

L: Not so much as bait but merely a...scapegoat for my actions. No one would ever suspect a cute little girl like me to be capable of doing such sinister and malicious things. S on the other hand is a perfect escapism. He takes the part with ease. Thus he takes the blame while I am free to be the...Dark Horse and simply take over from the thick and blind behind of society.

S: Wait...you mean...I wasn't ment to study humans? I'm here as a distraction?

L: That's one way to put it, yes. I prefer to think that you are like a marionette which I...the puppeteer have calculated ascendency over you.

S: I feel used.

L: Correct again dear S.

P: We're not going to let you get away with this!

L: This is not entirely a otiose undertaking for you young S. Your loyalty to my cause even through my misleadings has already gotten my attention once...your fidelity will not be unnoticed.

S: You mean...promotion?

L: PROMOTION?! Hehehehehehe! Hardly worthy of such blind faith. I intend on makeing you...Heresiarch of the Sadistic Choir.

S: *Drools* Ungh....awww.....uhh.....ahhh.....I OBEY....

P: NO S Don't give in...she lieing to you! You know she won't let us...wait...Sadistic Choir? What the Hell is that?

S: The Elite Unholy Army of Hell...They are soooo bad ass...

L: Indeed.

P: ...oh...But not she can't be telling the truth...she is the King...er Queen of Lies...you can't trust her.

L: Of course he can...I created him to. He knows nothing else. As the Angels of Heaven know nothing beyond the Praise of the Holy, my Demons know nothing but their sacrafice to their Master.

P: S PLEASE! Don't do this!

S: I must...so bad ass....so...bad...ass....

L: Usually I would kill you know P. And...don't worry...I will. But I really have to be at Catholic school now...The Penguins and I are going for a feild trip...S you can come with me...you'll be my show and tell. See you around..P! HEHEHEHEHE!

S: Bye...Bye...P...

P: S....no...

END!

HAHAHA...ok that took an hour to write between looking up words and...being distracted by people talking...and a lip bleed?

OK my idea I had...

I got up after a couple minutes of thinking in bed and wrote down my idea.

The Male Anatomy.

There are three parts to the male and thus all other things fall into them...or at least...I think so.

OK!

HERE THEY ARE...oh and I'm going to say a naughty word...children under the age of 17 must LEAVE for being so inoscent and easily amused by words like...Penis.

Ok ok ok The three parts are how a man functions (Note I say man...but this works for women like I said before but...being I'm a male...I can't exactly speak for women...)

The three main parts from top to bottem

The Brain - This is the part of a man which calculates. Its function is to effectivly find ways to produce resources with the least amount of energy and effort. In short, effeciency. It follows that which makes logical sense. Very Mathmatical and straight forward.

The Heart - The Heart has control over the many emotions. Its function is to balance the body between the many emotions that are withen us. This more than most is very unstable and logic isn't always considered. The heart cares only for emotional happiness and balance. Note I say balance alot...and that's what it does...Balance.

The Penis - a source of "power" of sorts. It seeks only happiness. Morality, logic, and emotion can play little part in its selfish hunger for pleasure. It seeks only happiness.

With these three parts in check of each other you find inner balance and happiness. Not too logical, not too emotional, not too obsessed with pleasure. Balance of body, mind, and soul.

I divided it into three parts there too. The Brain - Mind The Heart - Soul The Penis - Body.

Also I figured out a funny little thing about the seven deadly sins...I still in question of which combinations do what...but this is what I got so far..

When one of these 3 parts are missing the other two take over and thus we have the 7 deadly sins.

Mind + Soul = Envy (The mind and the Soul work together but cannot find pleasure through body. And thus we envy others.)

Mind = Pride (With only mind in control one could easily become prideful to make up for the lack of pleasure in their life. Along with this their emotional balance is missing and so they forget to think of others.)

Mind + Body = Greed (Without soul in power one might become malicous between pleasure and logic. With Calculative steps one can find pleasure through greed without heart to feel for others)

Soul + Body = Lust (without mind the body and soul will construct a want and need for lust without thinking about who or why. Without the mind giving logic the soul and body are without boundries and thus seek happiness through bodily and emotional pleasures)

Soul = Wrath (The soul alone will rise to anger without thinking about other possible ways to act, haveing no way to seek pleasure of body one might act through just emotional tention.) ((Soul and Soul + Body could be switched...I haven't quite decided yet))

Body = Gluttony (With only selfish pleasure in mind one might become a glutton for pleasures like eating without mind to find a reasonable end to the feast and without soul to find balance)

none = Sloth (pushing back all of the above can cause sloth, a need to do nothing. Mind is not there to find things to use time effectivly, soul is not there to give emotional support for change, and body is not there to give energy or pleasure)

Well that's about it. I also think it's interesting how The Mind is the extreme of just logical thought, and the Body is the extreme of just pure selfish energy and the Soul is a kind of balancing point inbetween the two. Brain (Top) Heart (Center) Body (Bottem)

I didn't just choose thoughs body parts at random to symbolize the different areas.

There is a hell of alot more to it than that but I really don't have the time nor the energy to continue.

I'm not saying I'm right about any of this shit...I just thought it was interesting and kinda fun to figure out. If you don't beleive this I'm not going to kill you in your sleep or anything I don't really intend on makeing anything of it. I'm not going to start a new religion or anything. I just had a brain fart that I HAD to write down.

Anyways. I'll talk to you all later. TOODLES!

2005-03-02T16:34:00.000-07:00

well well well...back again are we? AND WHAT?! You want me to write more!?! WELL SCREW YOU!!! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU UPDATED FOOL?!?! HUH?!?! WHEN?!?!....oh....hmmm...that wasn't too long ago....well...alright...I'll update...

Ok well the weeks have gone by and nothing to report...my life has taken a turn for boredom. I've just been working...working on homework...working at school...working at home....working on the computer...working on not going insane.

It seems as of lately my social skills have landed in a pit. I can't seem to hold a conversation with someone for more than 10 minutes. I just...don't...feel like it. I don't feel like talking about my problems...I don't feel like listening to someone else complain about theirs...I just don't feel like feeling for others or for myself for that matter...I just am. I'm floating in a grey sea of endless emotionlessness. How do I feel about it?...well duh I don't feel really anything about it. I just am.

That's what I am this week....AM.

I'm sitting here in class waiting for time to end so I can leave this place...go home...and well...do more nothing.

Johnny the Homocidal Maniac was always seeking an empty emotionless state...well I think I found it. I don't want it though. I wasn't looking for it damn it. I'm pissing people off and pushing people away that I don't mean to.

Ok...well...that's enough blabber for me on that subject.

Which concludes my blog for now. I'll try really really hard to write something more...um...interesting next time.

Bye.
Ev

2005-02-24T04:19:00.000-07:00

And then there are days when I hate myself...

among other things...

Today was ok. Pretty much didn't do anything worth talking about. I wake up, I eat two bowls of cereal, I feel sick from eating too much, I go to school, I spend an hour on the road screaming at the top of my lungs along with marilyn manson (greatest hit cd I've been addicted the past few days) get to school, spend 30 minutes looking at trailers for movies, teacher starts talking, blah blah blah same shit different day, he stops talking, I do my work, I stay late doing my work, I finish the damn thing so I have no homework next week, and I come home, another hour and 30 minutes pass me by on the road still screaming, get home, eat dinner, kiss shaye, kill some shit on the computer, do the dishes, everyone goes to bed, stay up late killing things again, get on here, talk about nothing, and go to bed at 5 in the morning.

yay...what an eventful day.

There are some good movies commin up though. Sin City, Batman Beginning or whatever...the..fantastic 4?...ok I'm skeptical of that one...but it's interesting...

The jacket
Cursed
The Ring II which might suck but I'll see it anyways
Madagascar
Robots

the collar...interesting kung fu let's love the funny asian who is just misunderstood in his ways movie

alot of kung fu movies commin out that look good.

but enough of silly movies...
surely I have better things to talk about than movies...like the fact that my hands hurt from writting already...and it being well past my bed time so I should get some sleep...or I why I have a dead clown in my closet...that's a good one....

but I think instead I'll go to bed...more shit in the morning...

maybe I'll give you the inside scoop on that clown...

EV

2005-02-23T02:16:00.000-07:00

Even if I wanted to write a blog...I'd have to have time to do it...and even before that...I'd have to have time to think that I might want to...and before that I would need some free time from which the thought of writting would arise...but I don't get that kind of freedom these days.

I've been busy. I've been busy from sun up to sun down and then up again. But fear not...I'm still alive. I also am haveing quite a good jolly time with my classes this week. I hope tomorrow's Media class does not ruin my good mood.

I helped make another "chase" video today. I was a zombie chaseing a stinky kid. Turns out the whole thing is a smelly good stuff in a can ad. It was great..I dressed up for it and everything made a very respectful zombie.

The night before this one I finished my first EVER comic of "Of Demons and Men." I like it...it's got it's problems but such things would inevitably arise. Our teacher didn't even get to see it. He had a sub...which turned out to be my Friday night teacher. He's a nice guy...long winded...but nice. Worked for Disney so he knows what he's talking about...but sometimes I can't help but wonder if he knows there are other ways to draw than the Disney way...

He gave a big huge lecture on drawing the Disney way...and really it was good. He gave us alot of details on how to draw characters with flow and contrast and interesting characteristics...but I know all that shit. My characters don't need to be more creative. In fact I've downsized their creative complexity to better manage them from frame to frame...but it was a nice talk none the less.

The last few days have been nice to me. Shaye and I had a small argument about spending time together. But we came to realize...time is not something we have much of. But I will try to make more time for her. She deserves it. Today...that kind of time was not there.

I got home in time for her to go to bed.

God I was starving.

Anyhoo. Another short one for you this blog. I have to cetch up on my readin along with writting...so I'll take the next 30 minutes to do so...then off to bed with me...tis the thing to do at 3:30 at night..

I love rain...

Ev

---10 minutes later---

Ah...I missed reading all them blogs. I've missed very little. This makes me happy. I hate missing things. ALWAYS WITH THE MISSING...

The blog community has become very distant to me in the past few days...I hardly feel attached to this small cramped box withen I keep my most *secretive?* thoughts.

I hardly have a place for my secretive thoughts anymore. I hardly have the energy to think about my secret thoughts.

My mind has become a rather mixed up and disorienting place...You might say...well Gee Ev...hasn't your mind always been that way...and yes...everything was in a pile on the floor...but at least I knew where everything was...now I can't find anything.

My mind is mixed and mixing is bad.

I had a memory today. I remembered how really angry I used to be. I remembered because I felt that way today. And once yesterday. These fits of anger which I do not act on frighten me. They are always so...so...disturbing. I hate feeling so...murderous. Not that I've ever murdered anyone. But I get these moods where it's almost all I can think about...normally I take these moments as a great chance to draw...and more times than not something really great comes out...and I feel better...but given I'm so squeezed on time...I worry about how I might take care of these feelings now. I doubt I would ever actually go through with it. But I'd more likely take it out on myself...and I Don't want to do that.

Well...IT's nearly 4 in the morning...and sleep must commence for I have a long and boreing day which I must...um...do...with...er...uh....ok so there really isn't any reason for me to be awake tomorrow...BUT...I'ma sleep anyways.

With much pleasure...in leaveing you behind...
Ev.

2005-02-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

So....I'm here. Again.

Not much to report on this front. homework is taking over my life. I have so much to do and so little want to do it. But I must bite the bullet I guess...that's such a nasty image...

Anyways I have to do some video work this week...and next week...and for the next 6 weeks. *sigh*

Ok well I had something beautiful this morning to say. ah...I remember.

I feel like writting poetry. I feel like writting something beautiful. Though I know...I can't. It's very agrevating to have so much energy in me so much thought and good ideas...with no way of respectfully expressing it. Yes I have my art...and I'm pretty good at expressing myself with that...but there is something special about the written word. It intrigues me most because a well written peice of poetry can bring thousands of images all at once. The kind of emotions it would take me a hundred drawings to just express one sentence...or even one word.

*sigh*...I would write too...but there is no way of makeing these damn blogs private. These are the kind of sensitive words I would not be able to express to others unless you really proded me. It's not because the subject...just because I suck at it. I'm ashamed of my inability to write in lyrical form.

DAMN YOU TALENTED PEOPLES!!

Ok...well I guess I ought to go..or something...maybe draw...I'm always in need of drawing...

2005-02-13T19:25:00.000-07:00

So I have returned from a blog slumber...no an internet slumber which has rendered me completly useless to all that is NET. Yes...I am back. But...my slumber has made me drousy and so my blog for today shall be short. I don't really have anything fun to say anyways. But worry not...sometime in the near future I will post again and OH...the great and wonderous things we shall see together. But for today, I am but tired and lazy. Nothing really to report. Things are going as they always have...fast. I'm so buisy I feel I hardly have any free time...and doing the things I enjoy always take up alot of free time so in the end I never feel the relief I've been wanting. It seems I'm in quite the fix. I've had some weird heart problems that last couple weeks that had my family and I worried. Turns out it's due to stress and eating like a pig (candy candy candy). So I've been trying to hold back on the Stress and ignoring the idea of holding back on my candy intake. Never the less things are going well.

I'm so not in the mood to write...

I'll talk to you kids later...I got some reading to cetch up on...

2005-02-03T01:43:00.000-07:00

So you don't want to hear about my Good Song?
and you don't want to hear about how I am getting on.
with all the things that I can get done.
the sun is in th sky and I am by my lonesome.

So you don't wantto hear about my good day?
you have better things to do than to hear me say,

God it's been a lovely day. Everything's been goin my way. I took out the trash today and I'M ON FIRE.

so you don't want to hear about my good friends?
you don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence.
success is in the eye of the beholder.
and it's looking even better over your cold shoulder.

I'm not suggesting you and line me up for questioning
but jesus think about the bridges you are burning.
and I'm betting
that even though you know it from the start
you'd rather be a bitch
than be an ordinary broken heart.

so go ahead and talk about your bad day.
I want all the details of the pain and misery
that you are inflicting on the others
I consider them my sisters and I want their numbers.

God it's been a lovely day. Everything's been goin my way. I took up croquet today and I'M ON FIRE.

I picked up the pieces of my broken ego
I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
but I'd love to have you up to see the place
I'd like to do more than survive
I'd like to rub it in your face.

Hey it's been a lovely day. Everything is goin my way. I had so much fun today and I'M ON FIRE.

God it's been a lovely day. Everything's been goin my way ever since you went away Hey I'M ON FIRE.

-knobs and cobbles to The Dredson Dolls for makeing my day.

2005-02-02T13:53:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling happy....and wanting to do something atrocious...

2005-01-27T14:53:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling disgusted with myself today. It started yesterday.

It always comes down to the last few days where I have a project I really want to do but then I waste my time and end up half assing. Along with this I'm frustrated with my inability to draw realistic things.

I have a theory on it though. I think the reason I enjoy makeing strange and odd worlds and suck at drawing life (mostly because I never draw it) probably comes from my exhaustion of the world I have no control over. I find no enjoyment drawing realistic things because it's all already there. There is nothing to create for myself. I think it comes down to that I like to be in control of my drawings. If the shadow comes from the sun...then hell it comes from the sun...if things reflect upside down and backyards...well then they do. If the moon is bleeding then hell it will bleed. It's in my control and no one can tell me, "well that's not very realistic" because I make sure to show no resemblance to reality. Reality is harder to draw. It involves more study and more concentration...two things I can't do. Makeing my own worlds with their own physics takes no time and I get immediate pleasure from it.

Am I a bad artists because of it? Maybe I'm not so mainstream.

I have a reality handicap. So what.

I'm good at what I do for whatever it is. I may not have the greatest quality of art, nor do I have maybe the cleanest pictures...but for whatever reason people are attracted to my comics. So...why question. I'd hate to ruin a good thing.

I have on the other hand seen a great bit of quality change in my artwork. I think I'm getting better. And with all things the more I practice drawing reality...the better I'll get. I need to spend more time drawing and less time playing games...I got that down...OBEY MY SKILL!!!...but my drawing skill is lacking compared to the norm here at AI. I MUST BE THE BEST!!!...and if not...A CLOSE SECOND!!

I'm not all that far off...and my past experience in 3-d hath given me a advantage...oh the advantage...

SO we'll see what happens.

I'm still disgusted with myself...but it is a passing feeling.

As are most emotions.

2005-01-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

I had an idea for a short. It came to me while I was taking a shower directly after haveing a most unusual dream which I can't remember.

It's called,

Luigi's Dough Nut.

First scene is of a giant bilboard that says the title with a funny little picture of this very italian cheif holding a giant sugar powder dough nut.

It slowly moves down as the credits scroll by which will probably say my name a couple times...cause I'm a bum and have no one working under me, nor above me, nor at all.

It slowly moves down until you see the small italian setting (yes it starts in italy, do they have dough nuts? I don't know but who cares) and then moves even further down to show the small little cramped dirty dough nut shop known as Luigi's Dough Nut.

The shop has some little seats sitting outside with a few people eating here and there. Among them are a mime, a cop, and a couple that just got married eating dougnuts while doing that little twisty arm thing where you feed each other...you know...that...lovey thing...

It moves to inside the shop where a dough nut is being made by luigi himself. He puts the sugar on it and takes alot of care in it's makeing. He puts it on the plate delicatly and nods to the server to send it out. A tear is wiped away from his face as he serves his most perfect doughnut. (He does this every dough nut)

The dough nut is served outside to the cop. He's a fat man that has eatin one too many if you get my drift. He smiles gleefully at this most amazeing dough nut and ties a napkin under his chin. He holds the dough nut up to his face about to take a huge bite when suddenly a speeding car flies by and startles the cop. Instead of careing about the speeding car he jumps up and tries to cetch the dough nut. the dough nut flies to the ground and starts rolling down the road. (Luigi jumps out of the door and starts crying and yelling in pain of the sight) At first the cop looks at the speeding car turning down on side of the road, and then he looks at his dough nut rolling down the other, his face crumples in determination and he jumps on his motercycle. He speeds down the road after the dough nut.

The dough nut starts speeding up as if aware of the chase. It starts weaveing in and out all over the road takeing little bumps like ramps. The cop tries to grab it every time it flies into the air. The cop gets angry and starts speeding up. He is now beside the dough nut. he starts reaching. He is just inches away from grabbing the rolling dough nut. The hill they are on starts to get a little more steep and they start going a little faster.

A close up of the cop's eyes shows his incredible determination to get the doughnut as it gleams in his fierce eyes. Suddenly he looks up and there is a close up of his expretion changing from angry and determine to suddenly shocked and scared. He gives out this little scream as they come up to a buisy crossing. He screeeeeeeches on his breaks. The dough nut flies through nearly missing car after car flying under cars, rolling over the beds of trucks, and sliding down the bumper of a bus. The cop finally screetches to a stop in the middle of the road.

The cars seem to disapear and all is safe. The cop looks left and right and takes a deep breathe. Suddenly there is a screeching noise of burning breaks. He looks over and there is the speeding car that he failed to cetch earlier barreling tords him at high speeds. There is a moment where you see the cop screaming, and you see the guy in the speeding car screaming.

It comes back to the speeding dough nut and you hear in the distance a crashing noise. All is quiet for a second when suddenly a giant motorcycle wheel comes speeding down the road from the wreck. The dough nut picks up the pace once more. The wheel is right on it's tail...if it had one. The dough nut again tries to weave back and forth but the wheel is even more persistant than the cop. The dough nut seems to be about to be squished when suddenly up the road there is a fork in the road. The dough nut takes a tight turn and crosses right under a fire hidrant. The giant wheel plows into the hidrant and falls over.

The dough nut is now steering through numerous people walking down the street. It passes over an old mans cane just missing his foot. It passes under a ladies dress as she screams in shock, a little boy's ball bounces directly in front of it like a boulder, and finally all seems well when the dough nut "sees" a mime directly in the way. He is mimicking an invisible wall. (it seems to be the same mime from the dough nut store) The dough nut tries to get out of the way to the left, the mime moves to the left completly oblivous to the dough nut, the dough nut moves to the right, so does the mime. Finally the dough nut just picks up speed and barrels tords the mime.

You see the mime close up makeing funny faces as he tries to get out of the invisible box, small children in front of him seem in fear of him. Suddenly he gets knocked over and seems to hit his invisible box and slides down, face pressed aginst his inivisble box. The Dough nut flies over his head after ramping up his back and flies over the children. All the children start cheering and oooing and aaaing the dough nuts great leap. The mime rubs his head.

Again the dough nut speeds down the road in seeming victory. As it passes a broken fence. A giant bull dog's face comes peaking out.

You see a close up of the dog's angry eye's with the dough nut flickering like a flame in it's pupils. There is a moment where the dog seems to disapear. Then suddenly the fence explodes into a thousand peices and the dog comes barking and drooling down the road at an incredible speed. The dough nut jumps in the air as if in shock and starts speeding faster than ever before.

The dog is shown legs a blur, snarling and barking, crazy with anger and hunger for the dough nut. It seems impossible that the dough nut could ever get away. The dog is right behind it. It's teeth snapping at the doughnut's back side when suddenly there is a long WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT and the dog is plowed over by a train that the dough nut just passed before it came.

There is a cut scene of the front of the train, the dog is plastered aginst it from the speed,(alive mind you, no one dies in this) the dog is screaming in a comical fear as it speeds away the WHOOOT WHOOT fadeing in the distance.

The dough nut takes another turn and flies through an open door, up an old man's leg, reflects off the newspaper he is reading which reads "Speeder Wrecks into Speeding Cop" and bounces off a table rolls across a chair and into a fan that sits on a window sill.

The fan cuts the dough nut into a thousand peices. The mood of the whole thing changes from a very energetic mood to a very slow and sad mood. The powder fades away in the wind and the small peices of dough nut drift into the ocean. The peices float for a while as if trying to hold for the last bit and fade into the ocean.

You think it's over.

The peices slowly fade from sight in the dark waters. Bubbles slowly rise from where they were.

The dough nuts peices seem covered in a dark green dream. From the distance a great blackness seems to be fadeing into the picture after a few moments. The dark blob starts takeing shape. The shape starts getting closer and closer. Suddenly it comes into full view as the giant jaws of a whale. The peices are engolfed in it's enormous mouth. There is a long scene of the whale slowly swimming through the ocean with it's family of other whales. The whale rises to the surface a few times and shoots out water from it's breathing hole. The whales fade into the darknes of the ocean once more.

The scene changes to a shot of some large city. Boats are everywhere. It seems like new york or something. The whale suddenly appears in the picture. It gives this comical sound like it's sneezing and from the breathing whole all this water shoots out and would you believe it...the dough nut, in one peice once more but no longer with it's sugar coating. It flies through the air bouncing off sails of boats and rolling over the tops of giant oil tankers. and finally gets launched from the paddle of a small row boat that takes it back to land. It rolls down the buisy street which is obviously american. And finally slows down and rolls into a door. The camera backs up to see what it was. It seems to almost be a replica of Luigi's shop except it is very clean and very nice. The name is "Heaven's Dough Nut Shop". Outside the shop there is a cop, a married couple, and a clown. It has this cook that is very fat who has angel wings and a big smile on the bilboard above it. The camera keeps backing up until it's back in the ocean and the Statue of Liberty can be sean in close up. It seems to smile at the camera. and the words "Fin" end the show.

Tell me what you think.

2005-01-25T02:57:00.000-07:00

it looks like I've walked into some sort of blog limbo. The earth stopped rotateing here in blog town. Not a single hermit,nor a common writter, not even a hint of a deranged comment...just silence. Empty cold silence. I feel so very alone out here. But it might be because it's 4 in the morning...and I'm the only creep awake...

2005-01-24T01:37:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to write anything tonight being it is so late but being that I left you all on such a suffering note...I decided it best to update and let everyone know how I feel today.

Tired and moaning...that's how I feel.

I don't mean to bitch but...I DON'T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW *baby cries*

Well it's not all that bad but I still don't wanna go...I want to be lazy and do nothing all day. Meh

But life goes on no? I'm feeling better. My mood on whatever day I last posted has gone up. In fact not but hours later did my mood go up. Tis the season for rollercoaster mood swings...

On to other things. I've watched my fair share of Invader Zim today. Nearly watched the entire first season on one go. It was great...ah...such good times. I went to go see a movie with Shaye today. It was great. We got there and we were a little bit early...by an hour or so...so we went to the mall and had pretzels. I had no idea the mall closed at 6. Well we still got our pretzels and sat around and talked for a while...I'd almost say I enjoyed that as much as the movie...in fact...I will say it...er...I did say it..well hell I'll say it agian. I liked talking to shaye as much as watching the movie. We finally got there after tasty garlic pretzels and a cherry icee (I've had one of thoughs in ages) and saw Shark's Tale which was actually really good. Very fun. There were so many very obvious points about how we treat homosexuals in it it was almost scary. I wonder if I'm the only one that thinks that...

But it was all alot of fun.

Poor Shaye dumped soda down her sleave dureing the movie. This was both funny and sad for shaye. But all was well.

Welp...I guess I'll be hitting that ol...dusty trail...or something. Gotta get some sleep so that I can NOT get up until 11 tomorrow and go to school. Ah...I love haveing late night classes...and I know I'm not alone in this feeling. Oh and as for that stupid quiz thing I put up so that you can all judge me and stuff...I can't get the damn thing to work...so screw it. JUST TELL ME HOW MUCH OF A JERK I AM! It'll solve so many problems...and save a ton of people from takeing a stupid quiz.

Ok goodnight New York + Other States and provinces...and other countries...and aliens from outer space.

2005-01-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

Am I a devil?

Do my feelings aim to disposition all that I love and all that I care for?

Am I trying without trying to destroy everything beautiful?

Am I really a tyrant?

Are my selfish thoughts who I really am?

Or am I breaking free by even recognizing these feelings and these thoughts?

Or am I slipping further into it's angery abyss?

Am I really looking to find God, or merly trying to find weakness in the story?

Am I real?

Could I be fakeing so well that I can't even tell?

Who Am I?

These questions started rushing through my head in a heart beat not minutes ago. I've tried so hard to grasp this religion that I struggle with. I've tried so hard to be good and right and just. Yet I fail by myself. I know I need God to help me. Only through him can I truely find peace. Then why do I still try? Why do I still rebel aginst the Word. Why do I do these things that are so obviously aginst His will? Why do I struggle between myself and these evil things I do? Why can't I break them? Why can't I just grasp these Godly things and believe them without doubt without question without holding back? I'm sick inside. There is no other word for it besides maybe evil. I'm evil inside. I reach to be God's child but resort to being of this World. I love this world. I stink of it.

It's not right to feel spite towards other Christians for being better at it than me. It's not right to hiss and curse because they find it easier to find God while I struggle just trying to keep my head above water just enough to cetch a breathe of something more. It's not right to stomp around and say selfish things that arn't true to pity myself and judge everyone else as selfish and blind. I'm the blind one. Why do I torment myself with these horrible feelings and wretched sick thoughts? Why do I hate other Christians for being further down the road than me?

I think I'm truely hurting inside. Underneath I know that I'm takeing the path slower than others. I'm haveing a hard time. Is it God's will to have me struggle? To learn something? Or is it my own will that blindly takes me through uncharted paths. I fear and distrust what isn't in front of me looking me in the face. To trust a being that does not register to any of the senses is aginst my very instinct. I've trusted my instict through all of life's mishaps and troubles...it is not easy to say "No, I will trust in God.

But I will keep moveing, thought it may be slow. I know the truth, it's just learning to accept it that is hard.

2005-01-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

2005-01-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

the plot thickens...

2005-01-18T23:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.blunttruthgame.com/takesurvey.cfm?uid=4996921

Show me what you really think...

2005-01-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

Brent...you read my thoughts...and that frightens me...but then when you leave posts...you always make me smile. Stop that. I'm supposed to be the dramatic sad guy.

Ok not really but I think a ride that is straight from inside my head would be a 21 or older kinda thing. Something tells me I'd make small children piss themselves...but that's not a bad thing.

I can be quite the odd ball...but atleast I'm creative about it.

ON TO THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER

Would you consider it MAD to vaccum your room laughing like a clown and screaming at the dirt saying, "FEEL THE SUCKY DOOM OF YOUR SHORT PETHETIC LIFE COMMING TO AN ENDLESS VOID OF DARKNESS AND SUCK!" I was in a weird mood. I started off by looking at my floors and being very disturbed by the crap that had collected. My parents had asked me to vaccum it probably two weeks ago...and it was bad then. Finally my floor is blue again and no longer has creatured crawling through it. I sat there for a good 20 minutes screaming at my floor to unfilth itself...when it didn't...I pulled out the vaccum and gave it hell. Now it's clean and I am happy.

My bathroom had a similiar case.

My 3 day weekend was over too quickly. I wasn't really able to do much that I wanted, though I did a whole lot of stuff. I got to see my friends quite a bit. That was nice. I wanted to go to the movies but...I am poor...and so is my family. My parents had to take a loan from ME. That's bad. This worries me quite a bit. It seems nothing is going our way when it comes to money. My mom is working, if you count her side mini jobs, three jobs at once. One of which she works at many locations...so given the different locations that she works...she is working 5 jobs at once. Her steady job, Mary Kay, and One Stroke Painting. She is the teacher for one stroke at 3 stores or four..I can't remember. I just know she leaves for work before I get up for school and isn't back until well after we have all gotten ready for bed. I fear she stretches herself too thin. Along with this she has misplaced some rather important checks which doesn't help anything. It seems everything that has to do with money is doing badly. Though...all things considered...we live about the same as we did. I need a job though. I need one bad...and I keep putting off...my dream was to work in animation and not worry about any miniscule stupid jobs for cash...but that was a far fetched dream that doesn't seem to be happening...besides it's a selfish thing to think.

I still have tons of clothing I don't wear, I still have 2 computers in my room, I still have food on my plate more than I can eat, I still have my two wonderful parents which is the bestest bonus of all, and I still have Shaye with me. I have nothing of true want or need that I am missing. Sure I still WANT crap...but...it's nothing I can't live without...and I know this. I keep in mind the necessaries(SP).

I had my charactrization class today. It was fun. The teacher complimented my style...which I think is unoriginal...but he thinks is incredible...so that made me smile. I think I'm going to like this class...all my classes ask for alot of work...but the reward is filling. I see a bright future for me...but that might just be the oversized ego that hovers over my FAT head.

Another angry moment if you don't mind...A person, that I know, has made another person, that I know, very unhappy, because of what they have done on certain occassions at certain people's houses with other certain people, whom will not be named. Vague enough aye? Hehehe.

This pisses me off because...I like this person that they have done wrong to...and he deserves better treatment. I care for all my friends and even thoughs I don't like very much...I still care about them even if my own opinion of them isn't as high as they probably should be. But as of lately I have seen a great degree in mistreatment between my friends. More so than usual. My friends seem to be stuck in this ever tormenting highschool drama. It's sickening me to the bone. I want it to end...I have passed the phase of such jabber and bickering. I DON'T CARE. I had a good conversation with this person that has been wronged and I've concluded that this person needs to emphasize more strength and let go of the unjust amounts of nice this person gives. Basically I'm asking this person to be a little more pushy about this person's own thoughts. This person needs to know when to say when this person has had a enough. The people that have wronged this person feed on nice and take advantage of nice.

enough jabbering for me though...I'll end the subject there.

I find I do a better job at art when I consider myself the best there is in the room. I know that sounds egotistical...but when someone is doing better than me...I take this sort of underdog approach at artwork..and actually do worse. Now I'm not saying that I should prance into a room and be like, "FOOL YOUR ARTWORK IS BABY DROOL TO MY BEAUTY! BOW TO ME!" but I'm just saying...I'll consider myself if not equal to other artists even if their technique seems better than my own. We all have our own style and way of drawing...so let it be that I am the best at my own work. Thus I do better. It's a mental thing just ignore it. I know I'm not the best artist in the world I'm not lieing to myself...I just have to keep in mind that I do my own thing and they do theirs and I can learn from them as they learn from me. I'm an equal. I might of said that wrong the first sentence.

But I refuse to edit my writtings...you can see my train of thoughts from engine to kaboose. No gray areas, no cargo taken off half way down the way...nooo...all of it. MY TRAIN IS FREE TO SEE BY ALL EYES WILLING!!!

My idea for a reject demon went over big. He loved it. He is looking forward to my comic...that is my teacher for Characterization...I decided to go for the demon kid one. It should be good. Plus its a little special to me. The idea popped into my head as I took a shower a while ago. I realized that this comic could play alot of how I feel about religion and where I'm going. Even though I consider myself a Christian once more I'm still very lost in the confuzzlement of finding my place in the jungle of faith. I'm a what you might refer to as a Messy Christian. But then...who isn't? I'm sure even the Pope has his questions. (That poor man just got a minature racing car...who the hell that the pope needed that? Sell the damn thing and give the money to the poor people in the tusami tragedy or something...) But this comic. This comic will kinda help me express how I feel about religion. It'll be so easy to play both the kid who is confuzzled by his own faith and role in religion but wants to do good. And then there is the other side who knows where his role is in religion but wants to do evil...but has a hard time understanding it. Then there is the angel who knows what it is to be good but knows nothing of how to be human and what it is to have questions of faith. All three are the contrasts I find myself tossing between...cept I don't really want to evil...though sometimes my mind does. You know how that is...evil thoughts...that's where demon is comming from for me. He's the inner thoughts of a person that know one acts on...but it's there...

anyways I gotta go my ride is here so I'll see you all later.

Ev

2005-01-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

I do so love getting postive comments on posts. *happy gleeful face...you know the one where their eyes turn into cute little triangles and they stick their tongue out on one side of their big happy smile...yeah...that one*

That totally wasn't sarcasm either I really do love getting comments...it always make me feel...like...someone cares...aww....

Well nothing much to report for the past few days. Other than the usual. My new classes seem pretty good. They are going to be alot more work than my past classes bu they are still good. I'm really enjoying the fact that half of them study storyline and characterization. PLOT!!! I love plot...I love makeing stories and FINALLY I can start useing the shit loads of them in my head. Yesterday...someone told me...after I said a most unusual comment.."Sometimes..I wish I could just get into your head and see the world as you do" It made me all happy. I do see the world threw a strange and distorted glass...yet...somewhere I feel very clear and very understanding...though I know this is only my pride trying to tell this stupid head that it isn't a dumbass...which is wrong.

ONWARD!

The comic...oh the comic...I have many a comic ideas...

To name a few of my bestest ones....would be wrong...because then I might give them away and someone might steal them...HA! NOT SINCE I HAVE THIS JOURNAL..ANND...I have it written down and dated...SO XP

By the way that XP is a smiley face squinting and sticking it tongue out...get it?...you see it yet?....turn your head to the left...there ya go...

Ok so here is one...I talked to Levi about this.

THE ROLE PLAY (not actual name)

ok me and my buds role play alot you know..D&D nerd style right? Well I got this great idea where this comic starts out as this adventure D&D thing and it's all about heroic heros and brave men fighting evil armies...but it turns out the ACTUAL comic is about the players. Its really about how the people playing the game act just like their characters in their role play..minus the killing things..and though in the real world they are considered dopes...in their role play...their personalities are considered very brave and great...and it's just a funny comedy about the different worlds. And the funny shit they do. In and Out of their role play. Death is their DM so he is constantly trying to kill them in the role play yet they always somehow survive.

Another one.

The comic with Kenny of course...I won't go into that one though.

Devil Am I.

It's about this reject demon that has been shunned to living a life as a human for the first time. He really sucks at doing the wrong thing for people so they decided that he needs to become a human for a while to better understand their ways. He gets sent to be the "Evil Side" of this kid that seems to always do the right thing. A very honorable kid. And it's about how they get along. The demon which I think I'll name Simon...but it actual name is like Gurdle Gaggets of the Second Devision Demon Squad. or soemthing stupid like that. Basically as the story unfolds and the kid figures out this demon kid is actually a demon he gets in touch with Heaven and asks for help. blah blah blah stuff happens and he is sent yet another kid. This one though is an angel named Bob. Now the heat is on. Now he has a demon kid trying to tell him to do the wrong things in life and an angel trying to fend off the demon...the only problem is...the angel...is a baby...that can talk. So basically in public places only the evil one can talk to him because everyone would freak out about a talking baby. Giveing the demon the upper hand. Too bad he still sucks at being a demon and gives bad advice that normally doesn't make much sense...

It's still in the makeing...

and then another one...

Alien Inside My Guts! (ok I don't know what I'm going to call it)

It's about Aliens haveing communications with earth and how it's been going on for some time and now everyone is pretty used to each other but each race doesn't know much about the other yet. So they rigged up a massive foreign exchange. So it's about this really emotional kid you gets to be a foreign exchange for the human race to an alien family. The aliens are completly emotionless and you can see where it might get funky from there. So while the Alien down on earth studies his new human family and does alot of chores and is pretty much the perfect child the one up in their space ship is haveing some trouble getting used to his new surroundings. He can't handle the lack of emotion and well...the details are still hazy but I'm getting there...

Most of these I'll be creating this quarter as comics for class projects...

Another one I have which I'm doing on my own is a story about Cupids. It's a documentary on how their buisness is going out. They had to lay a bunch of people off and downsize because there is this new race of Cupids that are like robot cyborg things that jet around and are funded by these big companies. Basically it's about the love in the world slowly dwindling away. The new Robots pump people full of love darts that make them love alot and very passionatly but they love the wrong things and only for shorts amounts of time. The old arrows made quality love and it's just about how the cupids have slowly been snuffed out...it's sad...but has an interesting message...

on to other things.

By the way...for everyone that I saw Troy with...don't be mistaken...I enjoyed watching it with all of you. So don't be disapointed or anything it was alot of fun. I have fun even at movies I don't like...as long as I'm with the rigth crowd...so it's all good.

I have nothing more to say...I'm dry...I'm out...

I'm so boreing...

Well I guess I'll see you all later...or something...:|

Ev

2005-01-11T21:55:00.000-07:00

To Chris. Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. So many different people have given me so many different ideas on what to read and in what order...but that seems simple enough. I'll give you updates on my readings...maybe my blogs will be more decent...I say so many bad things...such a silly little worm baby I am.

To Freak. Saturday sounds good. I have given quite a bit of thought tords the dilogue in our comic...I want it to be intellegent and interesting. Dilogue comes in second right behind Storyline in importance of a comic. The drawing of it comes last. First we must study our characters, we have given most of them backgrounds...strengths and weaknesses....We have a story line...but it needs work. The more deep we go the better the comic. We then must create dilogue that is consistant, entertaining, and of course it has to be realistic to real life. If we make it too off the wall...no one will consider it.

anyhoo...I'll talk to you Saturday.

ONWARD to other things. I have a tendency to say things that bother people. I have a tendency to sometimes say things that hurt people without realizing it aswell. To what I had to say yesterday I'd like to apologize to anyone I might of made angery by what I said. I write in times of great emotion. Alot of the time when I'm angry or sad I say things I don't always mean. Instead of beating me up about it...consider the emotional state I was in before you judge me. I can't think of a better place to scream and shout and say things I don't mean than here...where it isn't in someone's face...and it isn't makeing a scene...though even here I fear I must watch my mouth. I can't help what I write in here...it probably sounds dumb, and anyone who doesn't know me probably thinks I sound like a little baby crying about silly stupid things...well...the reason I'm such the opposite dureing the day...is because I get it all out of my system here. You read it at your own risk.

Just...be careful...what I say doesn't always have anything to do with what I truely mean.

Confused?...you should be.

I watched Troy a while ago..I'm not really sure if I wrote about that last time. Aquiles makes me angry. The entire movie made me angry.

I realized while watching that movie that I have no mercy, nor respect for heros. I would make the perfect warrior tyrant. The entire movie I wanted that rebelious bastard to just die. He had no respect for anyone...and he was weak. His weakness was not in his fighting but in his anger. He fought for anger and revenge. That is no hero. I don't care how many men he saved or killed or what he owns. No hero will gain my respect for being a little baby. It angered me that He only fought when his cousin died...and he blamed the wrong person for it too. Hector...the only character I felt deserved to live, thought he was aquiles when he killed his cousin. Don't blame Hector...blame your stupid cousin. When Hector died I wanted Aquiles to die a most horrible death. I was thinking, now this is where my tyrant ways come in, about what I would do if I were the leader of Troy. I tell you what I would of done. When Aquelies came to the walls in his fit of ignorant anger yelling for hector to come out and fight him...I tell you what I would of done. I would of riddled his ass full of arrows. Aquelies would of been dead...and Hector the only redemable character in the whole fucking story would be alive to become leader of Troy and yes...Troy would still be there because I have no doubt that Hector would of figured out that stupid horse trick. GARGH!!!

WHY RESPECT A "HERO" THAT HAS NO HONOR NOR RESPECT FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN HIMSELF!??!?!

I say arrow his ass to the ground and laugh at his stupid pethetic life. I spit on that ignorant characters name. It didn't help that it was played by Bratt Pitt...a pretty boy. Maybe if Aquelies looked more like an ugly barbarian I would of sympothized with the idiot...but because he was such a pretty boy and such a freaking whiny character I just wanted him to die. ALL THEM I WANTED TO KILL!!!

And the only character I liked died half way through the fucking film. I HATE IT!!

Never again will I watch that awful movie.

Not that it wasn't well made or anything...the story just makes me mad.

If I was ruler...thing would be different.

Maybe I was the only person in The Incredibles that actually understood why the bad guy wanted what he did. Heros, and the "special" few that we respect and admire are nothing but wastes of time. The true heros are thoughs men that are just like you and me that rise up above super heros to do incredible things without being THE STRONGEST OR THE MIGHTIEST prick just because god made them "Special."

What better way to rid the world of these special than through the use of technology that WE the normal humans created. TAKE THAT YOU SPECIAL BASTARDS.

That's why I say to kill aquelies the invincible man...they just needed to arrow his ass to the ground. See how special he is then.

I hate how movies always look down on the warrior and prize the rebel who refuses to fight for a cause just because he's special and has the choice. He insults the warriors that have been trained from birth...do you think they had a choice in weither they fought or not? NO!!! If they didn't fight they were considered weak. But oh noooooo if the big bad hero says no to fighting he's somehow a better person because of it? BULLSHIT!

oh and yes...aquelies saved many lives because he fought and blah blah blah...too bad in the film he did it only because he wanted to be famous. Oh yes....your name will be remembered...as a SELFISH GREEDY IDIOT THAT KILLED THE ONE PRINCE IN THE WHOLE FREAKING AREA THAT HAD SOME RESEMBLANCE OF HONOR!!!

And I'm done talking about the story of Troy, the war of idiots...and the fall of what hope they had.

hmm...I really don't have anything else to say...yet another burst of angry misguided feelings. Don't mind me...I'm in rare mood on here as of late...which makes me wonder because dureing the day I'm just fine...but everytime I get on here I become angry...odd?

Well Tomorrow is yet another day...a hope of less ignorance...on my part...ha...what a joke...

ev

2005-01-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

Take the quiz: "Which deviant fetish should you indulge in? (sexy pictures)"

Latex Fetish
Smooth and rubbery! You should try some latex sheets or a nice rubber outfit. Tight-fitting and sexy - latex makes for great everyday clothes or for in the bedroom only.

2005-01-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Ok...ok I know I know....it's been...like...FOREVER!!!

This is my bad being lazy and such and haveing a rather busy break. Well...all that is behind us now. I'm back into the mood swing of things and running into the worthless future! I'm back and typeing slower than ever...writting longer then what's legal. And smileing because I know that this all means jack shit to people in China completly oblivious to my blog. Yes...indeed...I have returned...FULL THROTTLE and bricks in the basket. Yes sir...I'm back...and ready to dirty your minds, filthy your clean areas and soil your panties....Oh yes...indeed I am. I AM READY!

So let's stop being silly little pricks and get down to jiggy in the jive turkey.

So what to say? HA WHAT NOT TO?

I have a million things happening in my life...a million and 1 to be exact. Well two if you count that one thing...but it's almost done so I guess I can stop counting the fact that I need to update my blog. So A MILLION AND TWO...until I get done posting this...then A MILLION AND ONE!

Yes so one of the first things I'd like to write about is DUN DUN DUN...Highschool Drama.

Yes yes we all know about it we all hate it and we all have gone through it at one time or another...unless you didn't go to highschool...or died at birth...

BUT NONE THE LESS for thoughs that have gone to highschool you know exactly what I'm talking about. The interesting thing now is the fact that I'm totally over it. I guess it's a comming of age when you can look back and laugh at the stupid drama.

I say this...because it came up in a coversation...or I should say a short yelling match between my girlfriend and this girl from church. (we were not in church mind you...once you leave the holy grounds bitchness comes alive...course sometimes it doesn't even wait...) ANYHOO!!! They got into this battle about drama and how we should care more about our friends and blah blah and Shaye's arguement was that even though we do in fact care...the use of the Fuck every other word was getting a little rediculous. Another thing that came to mind to me was the fact that yes...we do care for their happiness...but when this sort of thing happens every night? And for usually some silly reason mostly just to have an excuse to be dramatic and loud and full of some rage so that they can stick out and look cool? Well...I can't help but take it with a grain of salt. I'd like to care...but...it gets to a point where the drama just gets ridiculous. I mean...every night? Life can't be that shittie. I'm sure I'd feel more sorry for him if he didn't act so dramatic then refuse to say what is going on. It's a game that I refuse to play. I stopped playing the highschool drama guessing game when I left highschool. Adults don't shit around and refuse to tell people what's going on when something is going on. Adults find the problem, express their emotions, explain the situation, and then his friends can then try to help...but when basically your just wanting attention and adding stupid negative vibs to your friends mood just so you can get off on it...I find that greedy, shady, and disrespectful to others. It's selfish. It's a game to get attention...and if you want attention then farking come out and get it...don't play games with me. I won't have it.

there I'm done.

Now to more interesting and wonderful things.

So like I said we were at church yesterday. It was great. I missed going. It had been much too long. I got some good bible reading in...and eventually I will get around to reading the monster. It's so freakin intemidating...and I keep getting mixed signals on where to start. What book doesn't start at the beginning?

This whole ordeal of reading the book from the middle and working my way out from hopping around like a frog from page to page passage to passage doesn't fly with me. I want a straight easy way to read this thing. I WANT TO READ THE BIBLE...why can't I start from the beginning? I tried it once. I got pretty far but stopped at some point to do something else and I haven't lifted it since.

My writting skills are out of control. I haven't done this in a while so bare with my half done ideas, and crappy sentence structure.

I'm glad Shaye is back. It's been too freakin long. She has been back for a week now. Some how the week her being here went much faster than the week she was gone. This...makes me sad because it should be the other way around. More time with Shaye when she here...less time gone when...she is gone...

does that even make sense?

I didn't think so...

ONWARD!!!

I've been DMing a role play with my buddies. I think it's going pretty well. People are makeing it to level 3 now and some are inching their way to 4...I know Kenny is already there. Bastard and his INFINITE XP...

We are such geeks we make jokes about role plays all the time. Things that only role players would understand. The funny thing is if anyone here has actually role played there is so much you can tie into in the real world. That's the funny thing about it. We joke around about roleing dice for the real world...it's corny and stupid...but funny.

So we are geeks so what we are enjoying the hell out of ourselves so who cares.

I need to read everyone elses blogs...I haven't in weeks. I NEED TO!!!

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!!! I MUST KNOW YOUR EVERY MOVE YOUR EVERY THOUGHT!!

Today...I started Creative Geometry. All things considered it seems ok. The teacher is nice and seems very helpful. He also has a very laid back way of teaching which is nice. He even allows late grades. Though at the same time it tickles my mind and keeps me thinking...The paper work is going to screw me though. I'm horrible at organization. Sad for a guy who sorta organizes get togethers with friends...

ARGH!!!

MUST WRITE MORE!!!

I'm trying to think of something poetic and beautiful to write...something people can go back to and read over and over and find something new in it each time. How does one write like that? Some day..I'm going to make a book as popular as the bible. like...THE BIBLE II RETURN OF GOD ...this time...it's personal...

haha well of course I'm just kidding.

Hold a second I must find out when my mother is comming to get me.

Ok so yeah...no idea when I'm getting home.

Well I'm out of things to talk about...

I've started some test renders of some comics I'm makeing...fight scenes...dilogue...and so forth. I really want to get this thing cracking...I look forward to makeing a full scale comic.

Ok well I'm off. TOODLES!!

EV

2004-12-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

I love it when you call me beautiful. Shaye...my dear...I am happy to say you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am undeserving. I ment to send you something in the mail...but...if I sent it right now...you'd get it right about the time you get back...so i'll just keep it here for you. I love you so much my beautiful. I'll be so happy when you get back...so very VERY happy.

ev

2004-12-31T02:42:00.000-07:00

No Erica. Anyone that knows you for more than half a second knows your the greatest artist in the WORLD...EVER!
just like thoughs stupid CD's...The Most Relaxing Music in the World...EVER!

You think me jokeing that's the ACTUAL name of the CD...isn't that...sad?

now lets get to a more depressed mood...because that's honestly how I feel today.

so lets talk about something depressing that'll make me cry.

Did you know that at one point I started a suicide note to my parents? I started it on night and wrote all night long. I wasn't going to commit suicide...but I wanted to know how it must feel for someone who would commit suicide. How they must of felt the last few hours of their life. I wrote to my mom saying how it wasn't her fault and that she was the most amazeing mom ever and I wrote to my dad how he taught me to be brave and strong and never let go and how I should of just listened to them. I wrote to my girlfriend telling her how sorry I was and how I'll see her in the next life and this went on and on for a couple pages. I was crying the whole night it was soooo depressing. Though once I had finished I sat down and burned it. All thoughs nasty feelings all that horrible sorrow and sorrys all washed away. It felt really good. It felt like I got a second chance in life. I know that a person that really does go through with killing themselves doesn't get that instant feeling of release...no...when they write their letter...they go through with it. That's sad. To feel as if the only way to right yourself is to force yourself out of this life and into the next. I've always hoped that God had some pity of thoughs that are weak and feel helpless. Their so missguided that some mercy must be layed apone them. Though at the same time such an act is so selfish. To take your own life and hurt everyone that knows you is so needy. I honestly think if someone I knew commited suicide I'd be angry. I'd be angry that they did it. It would be insulting to me. It would be insulting to me because it would put their parents and all of us in a situation that is not very pleasent. A very nasty state indeed. Leaving everyone you love to feel such pain would anger me.

Alot of the times they say it's because no one would listen. I think the real problem is they don't know how to speak up. I've been there too. The feeling that no one is there for you is horrible...but withen our little group there ARE people that want to listen. But you have to get past the noise to do so. It's hard to listen to a hundred different things at once and sometimes you gotta get above a whisper. I hate it when they make it our fault because we weren't listening when really they only tried once while everyone was talking and they were off in a corner whispering something. It's not easy to be heard but when you just ask to be ignored like that I take it as a sign that your just makeing an excuse to accuse people of not listening to you and thus I won't bother with your pity.

It's a dirty way of getting pity.

Maybe this sounds really mean...and selfish itself...but if you've ever been in this kind of situation you know what I'm talking about...how did I get off on this?

Oh yes my note...

Well that was a random rant.

I'll go now before I start makeing people...mad...er...more mad...or something

Ev

2004-12-30T14:31:00.000-07:00

My last entry was actually BEFORE we went out. The time we spent out of the house was nice. We goofed off and laughed and played. Though the movie thing didn't work out because nothing was on at the dollar theatre we did get to go around and goof off at Barne's and Noble's. Afterwords we went to Wendy's and sat around and talked and me and my comic drawing buddies drew on napkins. It was kinda funny. You can tell the artists from the non-artists. The non artists were all consumed in their conversations while the artists were all consumed in their napkins.

I'd start carrying a sketchpad around all the time but the problem with this is that I go through them too quickly. I need like an industrial size sketchpad with over 2000 pages. THAT might slow me down. Man what a pain to carry around though.

Today I planned on getting up at a reasonable hour instead of sleeping until 2 like I have every day. Alas even after being awoken by my father at 10 in the morning I still slept until 2. It's my natural sleep pattern. Stay up late, wake up late, go the bed early, wake up late. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get...I'll still sleep until 2. Last night I got over 12 hours of sleep. That's alot of sleep. Half a day just passed me by without me doing anything. It was nice sleeping though. Gives me the energy to do something tonight if the others want. We shall see.

Until then I shall busy myself with something unproductive and time consumeing.

Tah!

Ev

2004-12-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

Ah thank you Shannon for the information on the blog explosion. I'll consider it of course and welcome to my senseless rambles. Speaking of scams (You mentioned it, it got me thinking) I find it hard to get through all the scams today. We seriously are a generation that has to constantly watch its back because everyone is feeding off us. I can't remember how many times I've been scammed by something. I even got scammed by the NewsPaper into buying a years worth of newspapers without me meaning to. Everyone is out to get us these days. It seems that's all "adults" want to do. Maybe that has something to do with the generations contempt for adults. Though this kind of thing happens every generation for one reason or another. The young generation always rebels aginst the elder. Soon kids will be rebeling aginst me. That's fine by me.

On to other things. I've been drinking alot of soda. Way too much in fact. I've been feeling really sick lately and I'm almost positive that it's the soda. AGAIN I shall draw back on my intake of this fowl sugar (Well fake sugar) organ exploding liquid.

It never works...but I try almost every year to stop. I'm as bad as a smoker.

Shaye called yesterday. I did so need to hear her voice. I miss her alot. Never-the-less I shall stay strong and try not to bore you with my endless mushy rambles of her pretty hair and her beautiful face and her sweet voice..ahem...well like I said I'll stop before I start.

Nothing else much to report. I feel like I'm becoming a rather boreing character for my friends. They seem more interested in my computers than me. I'd like to have a real conversation with them again sometime. I guess that's the real reason I wanted to go to the movies today. I think we have spent enough time stareing at a computer screen, without talking, and without doing something as a group. I mean why not pull out a game of Risk? SOMETHING that we can all play at once. This whole...play Counter Strike and switch each turn bores me, and watching other people play Dawn Of War isn't exactly a group activity. I think we all need a good refresher course on what friends do together. I am sorry for the fact that the only way I can pry everyone from their games and their computers is by buying movie tickets and getting out of the house. I figure...in do time I'll just start saying no one can get on my computer. Just turn the things off. It gets too hot in my room anyways.

We need something more to do in this stupid big town. I mean..come on...we are just minutes away from Dallas and we can't find anything to do in this stupid town. I HAVE A PARK IN MY BACKYARD!

Of course we can't go out there because idiots think we are druggie teenagers and call the cops on us. I hate the city. Millions of people all going to their various jobs and yet somehow...there is nothing to do because everyone is so uptight and has big angry sticks shoved so far up their asses they've gone cross-eyed and can't see good honest fun from drugged up sicko orgies.

Makes me want to move out into the country...though I know I'll just get bored there too. I need the city for the kind of work I wish to do...but I hate the city cause there is nothing but work to do. And what play you do get in usually ends in some cop comming over on false information.

Well I'm done for now. I guess we should go to the movies. I'm paying.

Ev

2004-12-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

So yeah...this new blog thing for all my old blogs...isn't working out. The dates get all funky and out of order when I do them...and I can't figure out why...So screw it...I'll just put a link to bolt so everyone can read them there. That's simple...effective...and then I don't have to think about them too much...*shivers*...odd times.

Shaye has a word for the feeling you get when you look back at them and feel a nasty pressure in your stomach...like sadness...or guilt...though I don't know how to spell it. I'll ask her when she returns. I'm sorry if I mushed you all up yesterday with my romantic dribble. I feel lonely. I feel lonely without her I should say. It's not the kind of lonely that any ol person can just pop up and give me the ol hell chipper day routine. No. It's a deeper more sorrowful Lonesome. The kind only one person can fix, and she won't be back for another 6 days. I'm stuck between wanting Sunday to be here now...and Wanting to cherish every moment of my Winter Break. *sigh* I can't help but feel I'd be much happier if I just skipped to the Shaye part of my week. I wore her name tag yesterday. The one she wears for work. It's in her funky cute handwritting...or at least I presume she wrote it. If not it suits her well anyways. I always found her funny little tendencies odd but now that she is away I find myself wanting to continue with her ways. I liked how she always played with her belly button when she is thinking, or when she rocks herself a little when no one is looking at her, or even when she's nervous how she chews the skin off her fingers. I miss her red nose and her yellow eyes. I miss her kinky yet straight hair. I miss her asking me to tuck her in at night. I miss playing with her tiny fingers. *sigh* aw....

I have to stop now. I've gone down a bad road. Not a good one to be writting about to you all. Like you all care right?

So let's get on to the daily doings of Ev.

Today I spent the whole day with the boys. Kenny, Eric, Tyler, Randy, Levi, and I all went up to XPZ a internet gameing place and got all day passes. We spent 12 and a half hours on thoughs machines playing every possible game we wanted. It was AWESOME. I had a time of my life. A very filling day though not very productive. Though I think we all had a jolly fine time and bonded as well as guys do...so...isn't that something? I wouldn't call it a complete waste of a day. I had a good time. I say if you have a good time then it wasn't a wasted effort.

GAH I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HER!!...

GARGH!!!
BLAGH!!
BABBLE!!!
GURGGLE!!

Maybe I didn't mention this yesterday...I went to go see that Unforunate Events movie. It was really good...I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. In fact...I've considered buying it along with Napolean Dynomite and Shaun of the Dead AND get the sound track which if your into that sort of thing IS AWESOME!

IF your into that sort of thing...you know...music...and stuff...

Well I'm really tired and full of nothingness to say...so GOODNIGHT! FAIRWELL!! A Find and dandy something rather and what what.

Ev

2004-12-27T05:16:00.000-07:00

So I've realized I love Shaye. Ok ok so I already knew it...but today...it hit me like a ton bricks guided on the front of an express train on steroids witch rocket fuel and jet packs. while I'm running in the opposite direction on top of a speeding bus...yeah...

I came home from a fun Role Play at Kenny's house (thank you Kenny) and went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I sat there and smelled Shaye's shirts for a while and finally I've come in here to talk about it. I'm probably going to sleep with her shirt near me so I can dream about her or something mushy like that.

It's such an uplifting feeling. I knew this distance between us would only make us stronger. I, atleast, feel stronger. I've realized what I've had sleeping just a couple doors away from me. Shaye has never done me wrong...that's crazy. IT'S INSANE! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT!! She is greatness and I am but a small worm in her presence. Though she doesn't think so SO I'm good!

I must cherish her...and love her...and when the day comes I shall Wed her...indeed.

EVMAN HATH SPOKEN!

Ev

2004-12-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

I seem to be creating blogs faster than people can read them. Or maybe they just refuse to give me comments. Either way the emptiness in the air consumeing my blog has me worried that maybe I've been too strong and well over bearing lately...bearing? is that right?

Well before I even get started I'd like to wish everyone (Yes that means you too) A HAPPY GENERIC WINTER HOLIDAY! At one point this holiday was about Jesus...it was then turned to Santa for all thoughs who don't like christians...and then from there it's become this way to make people buy shit all the time. Whatever you pledge your soul to I hope your haveing a good time. I know I am.

I'm looking forward to Monday. We, as in anyone who wants to join, are going to XPZ with 20 bucks each and spending the whole day there on a super gameing marathon. It'll be great. I at least know Levi and I will be there. Hopefully Kenny and hopefully Eric too. Though if anyone needs a couple extra bucks I think I can accomidate for them.

Sunday, the night before the Marathon, I hope to have another role play. People have been anxcious to get back to my story. I hope they are still enjoying it. They will surely level up by the next one which will keep them interested. I fear I made it too easy on them...and then I fear I made them angry because I made them sorta lose the first battle...it's they way the plot goes...Anyways...hopefully this next one goes well.

I feel a bitterness tords a few of my friends. This bitterness is getting to me. I don't like feeling bitter. I REALLY don't like feeling bitter tords my friends. ((AAAAAAAAAH!! I just realized I haven't blinked in like 10 minutes OH MY EYES!!)) Anyways...this bitterness. I can't really put my finger on it. It's over many reasons. Again I think it's the changes in the air that are causeing them. Either way I'm trying to be better about it. The other part is probably the fact that I feel a little betrayed by some people. I honestly don't know if people like me really. I know alot of people seem to...but I wonder how far that friendship really goes. I can't help but notice that some people hang around me not for me but for thoughs others that are with me. This sort of leeching friendship drags me down and makes me feel pretty worthless. I'll say this now...if you don't want to spend time with me...DON'T! Cause I really don't like living a lie. I've tried really hard to be better tords my friends. Especially to thoughs that I have alot of issues with. Usually I don't care what a person does or how they spend their free time...sometimes when its so obvious what you do and how sick it really is?...I can't help but notice...and take note. It's hard not to hold something aginst them. I can hardly believe some of you would be my friend if I did these things. I would expect you to leave. And rightfully so. I really don't like people saying stuff behind my back. That...that is an ultimate betrayal. I hold aginst saying things behind peoples back yet I know you all do it. We all do. I try so hard not to. Gossip is a sick thing. It's a disease. I hate it. I don't just go around saying someone is a "fuck tard" or "fake" or "stupid." That's just wrong. My opinions of people are my own...and I should keep them to myself...let others do their own judgeing of character. I'm no social therapist. Or some character know it all. I can't tell you that this person is stupid or dumb. I'm no better. And thus...I must keep my mouth shut. Keep my eyes closed. And my ears plugged.

Reminds me of thoughs monkeys...

|(oO)| hear no evil, (><) See no Evil, (0x0) speak no evil

That's kinda cute...

I had a long talk with Eric yesterday. It was really great. He is such an interesting person to pick and prod at his thoughts. He has alot to say and even more to make you think about. That and he's fun to just joke around with. A+ quality man right there...but you didn't hear it from me.

Kenny is anothero one of thoughs A quality guys. He has so much built up inside his head though. I worry about him. I know he has alot of issues that role through him. I only wish I could do more to help him.

Well enough of my chatter. It's Xmas. I should be out with the Fam doing Fam stuff. I wish Shaye was here to enjoy it with me. I still haven't been able to talk to her since she left which makes me sad. I missed her call yesterday :( I'll just have to cetch her next time...as of now... I've been required to take out the tash and put my clothes away...which needs to be done anyways. Sorry for the rambles. And for all thoughs fans out there of my complete and utter rambly mess...comment..please?

Until next time...don't worry...if you think I've been talking about you behind your back...I do...and I only say good things.

Evman